Bullshit From A Jackass

11/17, 1991-2010

2010-02-03T13:43:00.004-06:00

I am probably beating a dead horse now reflecting on my band, but now putting the eulogy together for the last 19 years of an on and off band that has seen me through a good chunk of my life. And Good, I mean good. Some of the best times surrounded this band, in fact sometimes this band is what carried me through some rough patches of my life.

11/17 started out as in Vacaville, Ca. as Retarded Children in Agony, much to the dislike of the original members James Morris and Rob Suprian, the band changed the name to 11/17 (skeletal hand flipping the obscene bird gesture... another story I am done telling)before our first show and Mansion Cellars in Davis, Ca. with Jeff Reed on Bass. A KDVS benefit with the band Fifteen and a handful of others. We were billed as Retarded Children in Agony, but we corrected it though to deaf ears. We were not really well received. The lyrics ranged from personal (Love Lays where horror lies), to religious (Fuck Religion), to political/economical (Time has come), to the obscene (Fucking Uncle Sam on a Burning Flag and a cover of Bloody Mess and Hate's Spit on my Face"). It wasn't until I moved back from a short stay in Las Vegas, to meet up with the longest running and more influential band members, Jude Croxford, James Meloy, and Joel Krueger, that 11/17 started to focus more on the songs being more or less from an personally emotional point of view. We did a few shows, which I am glad to include a couple at the now defunct Cattle Club as well as a going away party for a friend of ours, Karen Runta. Our first show together though was a "company picnic" at Valley Records. The company Picnic was an all day event of all the bands that had members working at Valley at the time. Phibes Infernal Machine, Floss, Dead Man Plaid, Transpo-Mutilation, Punch the Clown. Kepi from the Groovie Ghoulies worked there, but I don't think they played... I may be mistaken. In 1993-ish we took a break, never broke up, just didn't pursue it as hard until I moved back to California in 1999.

This incarnation of 11/17 included a great old friend of the band, W.H. Lipelt on second vocals. Where we played up until early 2003 when I moved to Vacavile and was eventually out of the area too much to keep it going, then moved to Illinois where it dissolved from there. I was happy to have gotten to play with SammyTown of Fang, his band The Resistoleros also Agression, now a super group made up of old original Agression members and other Nardcore bands, and fronted by the singer from Skadaddys.

When moving back to Illinois, I met a friend who happened to be a guitarist. I expressed an interest in playing again and he/Chris jumped on board. We recruited the bass player from Nard Voris, Brian and drummer from Drowned in Echo, Devon. We possibly played more shows in the year we were together in the Illinois incarnation than the combined California incarnation, opening for bands such as Off With Their Heads and Witchhunt. On January 30, 2010. I decided to have the band's last show at what was billed as Mates Fest, an all day show consisting mostly of local punk bands and local Peoria friends.
Why the end: I was to wrapped up in the lyrics that no one heard and felt it was time to let the baggage go that the songs were written about. Too much time spent on rehashing old bitter memories in the songs. Also, I was getting angry that the aggressive part of the music was the draw and not the intention behind the songs in the first place. 11/17 will always be looked back at with great fondness, the songs, the times the band existed in, and of course each and ever band member that made up this project.

What's Next?: I don't know. I know I will continue to do music, maybe more as the guitarist than vocalist, maybe here in Peoria, maybe back in California... At 40 years old, I feel creatively restless, but far less aggro. Maybe Folk Deathrock, maybe Minimalistic Doom/Drone... Maybe its photography and bar stories, and out of music altogether... Nah, I will always make music, another 20 years of music no one will hear or get... I can deal with that. Just have to let the past 19 years get the deserved rest it needs. Rest in Peace 11/17, you've accomplished what you could.

December 24th, year of our lord, 2009

2009-12-24T02:19:00.002-06:00

I have not written much, really have not had a lot on my mind other than waiting for 2009 to fucking end. As far as a year in one's life, its not been a bad year in the sence that I have had school to keep me going... Other than that, with minimal high points: the occasional 11/17 show, finally hanging out with my friend Lisa, watching my friend Ted get married, and on occasion hanging with a friend or two and watching my friends' daughter evolve more into a human... 2009 has really been a shit year. I look forward to 2010 merely on principal.

2010 will bring the close of 11/17, the band with many members that has been in one form or existance or another since 1991. With some sadness, I will end it... But it also closes the chapters of my life that the band covered and got me through. Nobody ever got the lyrics anyway and I gave them too much power, too much power over me. Kind of pretentious I know, but its what I know. And now what I know is that it is time to end 11/17.

In a round about way, just like last years epiphinies, this year kind of gave me a lot of sense of closure. In what I learned at the turn of the last year was that my constant moving was due to me running from and not running to anything... Now, with the inevetible loss of my house to foreclosure, lack of employment oportunities in this area, I realize I came out here to shut the Peoria chapter of my life for good. There is nothing but struggle here, and with this struggle, I have seen what character I am made of. And With all of this, a roller coaster that it was, I didn't let it get to me.... Well I didn't let it destroy me. It has, in surging waves, brought me to my knees in anger and depression, but I was alble to shake it off well enough. It has shown me how little I need to be content. I don't need big cities with fuck tons to do. Just need books, music, and movies. That is it. I am content. I have aged well in the past year.

But does bring me to another scary thought... I will be 40 in less than 3 weeks... And at 40, I am no closer to settling down any more than I was at any point in my life. and other than school, I am no closer to going in any direction but in circles. If I looked around at people my age, they all have actual careers, families of their own... Me I am broke, alone, and only have ambitions to show for my 40 years on this planet. In other words I have got shit to show what I have been doing all this time. Collecting experiences at best. Most of them in the fucking up department.

Which brings me to January 30th, the last show of 11/17... I am using that as step one, to give up drinking and then get my ass focused on gearing up to get my Bachelors in Psychology. I will more than likely start looking at going back to California. Not to continue the same old habits I carry with me everywhere I go, but to continue to focus on school and hopefully find a job there so I can start to get my shit together. Getting my shit together is now a priority in my life... Well knowing that I need to make it a priority, and everyone uses New years and they usually fail... So I am using the ending of 11/17 as that catalyst. So many plans to go to a real college fell through, but will probably just continue through shortbus college, and hopefully find an employer as well as a Masters program that recognizes University of Phoenix... To those considering University of Phoenix... DO NOT! It works for me, because I could not go to junior college and get unemployment at the same time. And like I said, at least this year off, I just didn't sit on my ass, I have almost all of my Associates knocked out. Trying to get through Algebra is the mother fucker! But I will get through it, even if by the skin of my teeth, I will get through Algebra 1 and 2.

I am starting to see that I need to embrace my age. Not the old, "I'm old" bullshit... But realize I am 40 and start getting my ass in gear. I may have 25 years left on my life battery, I need to stop wasting it. There are places I wanna be and see... and more so, I wanna spend the last of my years in a closer proximity to the ocean. I want to be that wierd dude doing Tai Chi by a large body of water at 6am, and I wanna get on with getting older. Because you know what, the more I think about it, I am kind of happy about turning 40. I can stop doing stupid shit with the excuse, "I am 40, I don't need to be doing that stupid shit". My whole life has been the midlife crisis... I wanna get past it and finally start acting my god damn age.

So yeah, 2009 has been a continued holding pattern of my life as its been thus far, more struggle and less bliss... But 2010... I finally get to get my ass moving in the right direction. Onward and upward. or at least forward. I have to!

10.15.09 the aftermath

2009-10-16T09:04:00.003-05:00

Last night was the first 11/17 show in almost 6 months. I was excited to do it because, as Jude first pointed out, I need a band.... and I do. I have to find some means to getting the shit out of my head... What started out as cigarette burnings of my skin, like a cutter cuts, to cope with things going on in my head and in life that I had never learned how to properly cope with, the band works in exactly the same way. From cigarette burns, to "poetry", to 11/17, it is a coping mechanism more than anything else. That said, there are times I wanna give it up. Times like last night help that notion settle in even more. I won't hang it up, not yet anyways, but excitement turned to disappointment within our short 20 minute set.

I was stoked, first to play, and second to play this house party was, to me, very symbolic. The Peoria scene is known for its hard divide within the punk and alt rock culture. Last night I saw a sign that one side was reaching out to the other side to build a bridge that has kept the scene separated for so long. Its not ego that divides us, more like just a matter of who associates with who, and their loyalties. All fine and good. I also see it as one side is more laid back and social who casually drinks, sometimes to excess and the other side is always in pursuit of drunkenness as priority one, socializing second, and rules of the house don't apply to those that are drunk and hanging with their mates. To group one, this may seem as if the group is an unruly disrespectful lot, to the ones in the second group, the drunken class, the first group may be seen as pretentious. I dislike the associated characteristic labeling, as I belong to group two, and we have our own issues with our own levels of pretentiousness... and I especially dislike the division of the scenes because of this. I have to state that I would like to see that division between the two erased. And that is what I saw as potential last night. Maybe I put too much stock in unity, but that is who I am, it is what I believe in. The town of Peoria, along with the other surrounding towns, is far too small for this scene to be THIS divided. I agree with drunkenness, sometimes to the point of sloppiness, but not to the point where it destroys opportunities for places to play. Because first and foremost, the punk and alt rock scene is about expression (and art to some degree). When we are divided, expression is limited.

When Disorder33 played the Red Barn, I thought that a big step in the blurring of lines between the scenes. When we were asked to play at the No Fun House, I saw it as a full tear down of that line, uniting with "the other side", not as a member of group one, but as a reaching across the aisle to the other side, a breaking of bread, a symbolic step that group one is just as tired of the divide as group two... Again, maybe I am reading far too much into it, thus my severe disappointment in the behaviour of group two. More so, a person who I have never seen at ANY shows who came with one of my mates.

Where am I heading with this diatribe... Well as stated in the first part, 11/17 is a personal vehicle of expressing myself and the emotions that I still battle with. I have to state that when playing, I like to pace and move during the set due to stage fright and to keep personal space for myself, and as it was later pointed out by the guy just previously mentioned, after the "incident" we talked and he stated that if I have this fear and I don't like people up in my face while playing the music style we play... maybe I shouldn't be doing it. I started having flashing thoughts about pioneers of the scene, Ian MacKAye as well as a personal music mentor, Henry Rollins, when at shows they start telling the audience to calm down, to not do shit that may fuck up the enjoyment that others may be having. Fighting, dancing where others are not into dancing, getting in faces, etc. In the 18 years I have been doing this, I have never had this happen to me, having a member of the "audience" get in my face and taunt me as a form of expressing the enjoyment of the music. I can see, getting up and singing along with the band, embracing the band members while singing along, but never getting in any of our faces. I have seen old school footage of this behaviour going down, and it usually results in violence. Which last night sort of did. I kept shoving the guy back... he kept coming forward, I told him to simmer, and it only seemed to instigate the situation. I stopped singing at one point to go at him, only to find this is the energy he wanted... And I felt it disrespectful, not as much to myself but to the hole unification process I felt going down... After our set, and in heated discussion of how I felt his behaviour was inappropriate, I was told my attitude would prevent me from developing any fans... in which I retorted, "I don't want fans"... and I don't. I am not in this band to make a life of it, it is my art... it is my expression. it is the only way I know how to express myself. I don't like talking to people, telling them of my personal woes and other assorted blues bullshit, so I do it in the form of "poetry" set to aggressive music.

Tom Satterfield gave my band the most flattering classification, hardcore/punk/beat poetry. We maybe of a scene divided, but he gets it. I took it as an endearing compliment... because he gets it. I also took his invitation of 11/17 as an honor and as an honorable act on his part to try and unite this house divided. The fact that we played a less than perfect show (one practice in 6 months will have that affect), but the actions of this one person is what really bummed me out, because he is in the group I associate with (even though I have NEVER seen him at any shows), and he didn't get it. I also saw that as detrimental to the unifying efforts put in motion by Tom and disrespectful to host and venue where we were invited to play.

So I guess as my mantra now, I join Ian and Hank in saying, when we play, if you enjoy the music we play, then enjoy it, but also remember there are others who may be enjoying it as well... Don't do shit that prohibits those others from fully enjoying the set. I am not saying hug one another and jack each other off... I am saying just stay the fuck out of everyone's face.

A hard lesson learned I suppose. I was the same way some time ago. Apologies go out to Jude and his old band Girth. I get it now. Now going forward, This mantra is in effect. Apologies also to Tom, did not intend to be disrespectful. Boys will be boys I suppose... but Boys are stupid.

end bullshit rant

Ramblings of reminiscence; Sixteen years and counting.

2009-09-13T15:15:00.002-05:00

Sitting listening to the Groovie Ghoulies, and looking at pictures of old friends and where they are in life now. Most have families, in fact I think I am almost the last one without, Dawn B. is the only other I can think of. There is sort of a somber feeling as well as one of warmth that trade off in me. It is nice to see the ones who use to be so fucked up, settled into new lives, sober. Hell they have traded in their appearances from that which I remember them and are now resembling what dads are too look like, some look like the liberal college professors in movies: glasses, long hair pulled back, dressed if hanging out at a MargaritaVille somewhere... They all look healthy, happy... Like life is treating them with kindness.

The somber mindset is that they are now very foreign to me. It is a world I do not know, nor will I ever know. It is not the road for me to take. Even when I hang out with friends with kids, it is still me hanging out with, it is not my life, it is theirs... I'm just visiting. I don't know if I would trade in this life for one similar to theirs (nor do I have the ability to do so if I thought otherwise), but there is now a growing loneliness that comes with it. Not because I don't see them, but my sort of life and the wisdom they have gained because of the lives they have acquired puts forth paths for us that wander further apart. Even talks of "when you get back out here..." etc. are all nice sentiments but even I know their lives and mine are foreign to one another now. Old friends remain very dear to me, but now it is only in the form of the occasional family outings, no more nights of the wandering home from the bar at 2am staggering after watching bands all night. New friends, well I just can't connect with because of their youth and the fact my body can't handle the abuse I use to put it through some 15 years ago... Where they are at in life now. Ah, the acknowledgement of my age. Socially I feel more alien than embraced. It is not a depressive feeling as much as it is that feeling of the truth that settles in when one gains wisdom of themselves.

Been a long time

2009-08-05T22:13:00.002-05:00

Life is rolling on, not too much to report or anything that I feel like talking about anymore. Today, just feeling the contentment of being home. More tired and hungry as if I had been camping than helping a friend get moved to her new place of residence where she will be attending school. I feel after this weekend, I need to look around and evaluate what I need to do here and start getting focused on where I need to be one year from now... Physically and mentally. I will be done with Short Bus University at the end of May with full intention to go on to a regular 4 year college to get my undergrad knocked out. I am looking at Eureka College and Illinois State University here in Illinois and looking at a couple of colleges back in California (UC Davis and Sac State). My decision to where I want to go to school will be based on a few things, first and foremost, what credits will transfer to a 4 year college from Phoenix, and also where I need to live 6 months prior to where I will go to school. Also what kind of assistance, grants, loans, etc. I can get to attend school and go full time, meaning not working on anything but school.

I also need to look into Grad schools as well as the Peace Corps, and hopefully how I can do the Peace Corps and obtain my Masters simultaneously. My intention is to stop at Masters degree and get a job in family counseling, whether I try and shoot for a Ph.D. will be based on where I am at in job and life. I don't have plans of yet to follow through (and lack the desire to as well), but I am not going to use words like "never". Never is too limiting. I have heard those words and personally use them far too much as it is. "Age is nothing but a number" but it is a sand glass that does run out eventually. As it sits, with my current goal, at the earliest I will have my Masters Degree in approximately 7 years from this moment.

I will be 46 or 47 years OLD.

My advice to you whipersnappers out there, don't listen to your parents when the try and hurry you up to get a job so they can get you out of their house. GO TO SCHOOL! When they try and tell you that you should be learning a real trade, like welding... Defy them, get an actual degree. When your parents are more proud of you getting a warehouse job than when you get an A in college or are more proud of that job than when you wind up on a Dean's List because you had a GPA of 3.75, really piss them off, keep your grades up, and get an even higher degree.
Don't let your parents failures be hereditary! Be punk rock and get an education!!!

The world needs ditch diggers... but you don't have to be one of them.

Frank Zappa Lost Interviews as well as how he prefered the Rolling Stones over the Beatles

2009-06-30T01:13:00.004-05:00

309DIY@gmail.com

2009-06-04T02:15:00.002-05:00

So... Remember the blog I wrote last night about not doing the 'zine... Well scratch that one... It is happening. So today's blog is a plea: Anyone know of ANY local shows between June 11th through the middle of July, please get me that info AS SOON AS POSSIBLE as we are doing a local entertainment 'zine. First issue is going out on the 11 of this month... So any shows in the time frame of the first issue of the 'zine (6.11.09-7.16.09) please let me know... Peoria and Bloomington areas.

email to: 309DIY@gmail.com

and for future issue content:
Future Content Submissions:
Live Music Shows & Reviews, Music Reviews, Movie Reviews, “What I miss from my youth”, Short Stories, Opinions, Poetry, Art and Cover Art (remember it's B&W peoples!) As this grows, we'll be able to fit more content.
Contact: 309diy@gmail.com

Anything sent to us we will not send back
(you keep the rights, but we keep the goods).

6.2.09

2009-06-02T19:31:00.003-05:00

The discussion came up today of getting called out on procrastinating on getting a project done that you agreed to do. I try not to fall victim to doing that, I like to think that I am a person of my word, but... Sometimes ideas get tossed around and sound really good, there is full intention to complete it but sometimes it is not completely possible at the time, or can be done in the foreseeable future. I am talking about the zine idea I had talked about a year and some change ago and also resurfaced about a month ago. I think it is still a great idea, hope to do it in the future... but at this time the cost portion is not in my capabilities. So that new zine idea is on hold (not scrapped, just on hold). I think it is human nature to do so, say you will do one thing, have full intention of going through with it, but for one reason or another the plan falls short.

Hell, politicians make a career of it.

All things in their time. But until then, remember...
The Devil's got your nose

June 1st Blog

2009-06-01T21:49:00.004-05:00

So as I set out to try and blog nightly about whatever crosses my mind, I got nothing really. I could talk about the murder of George Tiller, the abortion doctor... I could say that as a Catholic, I still believe that abortion is a woman's choice. I could say that though I do not like the thought of late term abortion which Dr. Tiller was legally allowed to do, in the case of mother's health and safety... If abortion is the only hope then abortion is necessary.

Or I could make mention that the Political Right is jumping all over the president for going on a date with his wife when their president was notorious for vacationing... over 400 days (yes equaling over a year's time on vacation).

Or I could discuss the GM bankruptcy, and how the loss of jobs tied to that will have a ripple effect (tire manufactures, parts manufacturers, etc.)... which is essentially what is happening here with CAT (not the bankruptcy, but the ripple effect of the slow down and mass layoffs, their effect on local manufacturers and the slowing of money flowing through this town) but that is far too close to home, and now have been unemployed for just over 6 months, I am not wanting to reflect on my professional life in Peoria.

But I will just keep this simple,
"Easily the most adorable animal abuse you've seen today"

I got you...

2009-05-10T20:17:00.003-05:00

No, I got you... No, I got you... No, I got you... Thanks to the Smitzer family for a really nice weekend. Even with the hang over on Saturday and not getting to try the rattlesnake hot dog, the view and just relaxed nature of the trip was nice. Unemployed, and no schedule to really speak of, the trip was still a welcomed escape from Peoria. I also felt a little nostalgic in the sneaking to the bars to maintain a slight buzz, though unavoidably humped, it still kind of reminded me of trips my dad and I would take to San Francisco.

Rum, not my friend. Too sweet. Two days later, Pepsi still tastes like it has Rum in it.

And great view aside, the greatest and most endearing highlight was still... No, I got you... No, I got you... No, I got you... No, I got you...

2.26.09

2009-04-27T01:51:00.005-05:00

Main Entry: cabin fever
Function: noun
Date: 1918

extreme irritability and restlessness from living in isolation or a confined indoor area for a prolonged time.
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cabinfever

Today was a great day. It started out as a normal day, planning on doing my homework and ???
I turned on the AC since I knew it would be warm out, thus the house would heat up and that was all the planning I had mapped out since waking up at 1:something this afternoon (I worked until almost 5 am, so no, I didn't just play layabout). Today, homework be damned (though it did get done on time anyway), the phone call I got was absolutely the one I needed, "we are hanging out outside, you are more than welcome to come over".

Chatting and watching the young'un play lead to grilling veggie burgers (which I applaud myself for not overcooking them this time). By 8pm, vitamin D overdose mixed with full belly, conversation faded to lost stares into tree tops and onward to the clouds... Bliss, total contentment. Moments like these seldom happen, I had to breathe it all in. If there is absolute definition of what a perfect day is, this one had to come pretty damn close to it. Sober relaxed enjoyment. After 6 months of winter that the Midwest always "blesses" us with, today was the day needed to break that cabin fever. With the short visit to the park on Friday and then just being in it all afternoon today, I am now actually feeling renewed. In the past, I don't know if I really have ever stopped to pay attention to the day the chains of winter were broken, but today stood out. Simple and meditative... and exactly what was needed.

Spring cleaning of my head

2009-04-22T16:46:00.002-05:00

Finally after over a month of sitting in the house's filth (no, not my filth, but the house's), I finally had to do a little something about it. The house is far from how it use to be, but better than it has been. Been pretty unmotivated really. New hope sits on the horizon. I have a job interview tomorrow, if I get the job, will be quite the commute, almost an hour to and and hour from. That can add quite the length to the day. I have not yet heard back from the job I really want here in town, guess I am not meant to be there. So, with any luck, I will at least get a job at Dick Blick. I have been off work since November 14th, 2008. It has gotten very boring and I have done nothing with myself. Some online classes, got to do some shows with the band, and just constantly bugging one family by being around them all the time. I get annoyed being with myself, I know I wear on others. Especially when I have absolutely no new life experiences to bring to the table. I have become but a mere voyeur of life.

In expectation of the job interview and with an upcoming homework assignment, I took tomorrow night off at the bar. I really hate going there, I expected to develop some sort of social outlet, but I can not relate to any one of them there, and definitely not the clientele. Such a time waste there... yes I know its to repay a debt, but that is why another great reason for the job, no more bouncing downtown. Its all jock attitude and thuggery, even in the more "respectable" bars. If its not the attitude of the people frequenting the bars, its the bartenders attitude. They all have what I call a rock star complex, bartenders have it (tattoo artists and piercers most definitely have it)... I just hate the ego and exaggerated sense of self-worth. "Just poor me a fuckin' Bushmills on the rocks, asshole". I don't dance, the bands don't play good music, I don't sing Karaoke... why do I need to be downtown? Hot chicks with superficial attitudes I can't get with any way? Meh, I am just old and jaded I suppose. I just don't feel youthful energy or an element of excitement downtown, just seems like a ghost town filled with too many ghosts, but nothing of any substance what so ever. Good music on a jukebox (not so loud I have to yell over), Bushmills, and someone or some people to have actual conversations with. Music, religion, politics, fucking... I don't care, just have something to say. I know I compared them to ghosts, but they are more like zombies, walk the same, talk the same, dress the same, same interests, same hair cuts, same dead brain disbursed to hundreds of bodies... Downtown Peoria... "But isn't that where Big Al's is"? Fuck off!

Yes, I am restless. The living room is livable the kitchen dishes are 90% done. That's all I got. Now you kids stay off my damn lawn!

4.18.09 a review

2009-04-20T01:43:00.003-05:00

Today I felt a wee bit hung over, not too bad. The night before I was more worried about my throat over the potential headache. For the first time I did two shows in one night. A lot of fun doing it, wish I could say I was enthusiastic about the crowds. The first show was at Champs, we went on first so I didn't expect a large crowd. Champs usually has a poor turn out any way, but it was fun. A few of my brother's friends turned up, it was good. Hylee really digs the band. It is strange seeing someone so enthusiastic about the band. The second set, I didn't care for just solely because it seemed we were playing for a group of people that were either frat boys or old folks that could stand a life of not hearing anything harder than John Cougar Melloncamp. I guess the other bands liked us ok, but I never know because I don't talk with people usually after a set. It's not ego, its that I can't handle small talk and I am not to into "talking shop" or if they liked the band, I don't do compliments well. Really grateful Stefanie was there, so I didn't have to engage in small talk, I could just hang out with her and be myself. I like being myself. I know that sounds stupid saying that as everyone likes being themselves, but too many people put up false fronts, especially when playing music and such... and you know what, I am just not into that. Its also nice when she is around because she knows me and my faults, she knows I am a dork, and I am ok with that.

Two memorable highlights, the runner up was the bandanna whip. I so didn't think rolling up a sweaty bandanna would have the same whip style as a towel. It wasn't until I heard that distinct "crack" on Stefanie's thigh that I knew it did, followed by the absolute shock and horror that it did, apologizing immensely that it did happen, and laughing so hard because it was funny. So unintentional. The biggest highlight was the shirts. I couldn't let on that it was cute, adorable, and heart warming when Stefanie and Chris both show up at the start of the night with matching shirts with an image of me circa 1988.

As I went to bed with my throat stinging like hell, waking up with the mild hangover... Playing in front of non-enthusiastic minimal crowds, was still all worth it. It was a a really good night.

The after-glow is finally fading

2009-04-07T21:37:00.002-05:00

The Cracks, with their old school and unapologetic sound and presence, Disorder33's late 80's skate rock feel (to me anyway), and then of course Off With Their Heads (OWTH), a polished street punk sound that was just all fun. Watching Ryan, the singer, spitting on Bob of the Cracks' back as his shirt got tangled on his guitar was a fun highlight, me winning 3 games in a row of 301 darts, winning a CD instead of beer, was another.

But what a night to remember. Thursday April 2nd is one of the shows that will go into memory as one of the best nights of my life. 11/17 played a show basically opening for OWTH, but the entire night was full of friends and constant smiles. This show I was not nervous before, an absolute first. Most of my friends that are in bands were either playing that show or were in attendance, old school and new friends alike. Watching the small bar and the relatively small crowd come unglued during the OWTH set.

Watching the guys from The Cracks, Ryan of Disorder33, Brian of my band and also in Nard Voris, and Tyler of Nard Voris, all who truly love that band, so full of excited joy and full of energetic support makes for an incredible night because you can not help but feel the really positive energy that had exploded all over the place. All going ape shit happy. That reminded me of the 20+ people, including myself, singing with Sick of it All at a show at the Cattle Club. I am sure their happiness mirrored every bit of ours then. It truly was a great night to observe and especially, because in a small way I was a part of it, playing earlier in the night. Tyler and Brian thank you for putting us on that bill, and more so thank you for a night that will stick with me for a very long time. What a great fucking night.

Three Nights I will always remember:
1994- Sacramento, Ca.: The Sick of it All show previously mentioned
2002- Roseville, Ca.: 11/17 opening for Agression, a band I got turned on to when I lived in Camarillo, Ca. in 1986.
2009- Peoria, Il.: The entire night of the show with Off With Their Heads

I can now say, I am really happy 11/17 is back together again. New members, but now now, with new memories! Thanks to everyone there and to everyone involved.

Oh yeah, this thing.

2009-03-06T00:10:00.002-06:00

I have been lacking in writing lately and this blog exists only because it is just after midnight and I have too much time on my hands. When I have this ample time plus boredom, I like to type rambling blogs that are neither well thought out nor grammatically correct. These are the thoughts in the middle of the night. This is procrastination.

So begins a new "semester" at short bus college, looking into additional courses at ICC, and doing nothing but wasting time in between. I do know with my two new classes I will have to focus a little more. To say I have very poor study ethics would still be doing me justice. Hell, I could be reading now and preparing for tomorrows assignment, but am I? Nope. I am listening to jazz and allowing my rambling head to quiet through font.

I know a real job schedule would possibly assist in setting up a real study schedule. One of the things I am doing soon is I am finally canceling my cable television. Then for entertainment I have music, reading homework, and Netflix. Yes, I am trying to instill the concept of homework as entertainment into my brain. I watch little television as it is but what I do watch is pretty senseless. I mean I watch Ghost Hunters and I don't believe in ghosts. That shows I am wasting valuable time right there. Sure I will miss Anthony Bourdain, Keith Olberman, and Rachel Maddow but I could just quite possibly pick up a degree in the meantime. Hmmm, lemme weigh that out. Not really a sacrifice now is it.

On the "actual employment" front, still there is nothing. I could get a job working 8-5 for minimum wage answering phones or wait to see if a real job rolls in. Last time I did the phone thing, my punk instilled defiance reared its head. I am not a cubicle kind of guy. I gotta find something, but I have a couple more months of unemployment left (which pays just slightly less than that phone gig). I take that job and get the opportunity to interview for a real job I lose my unemployment for working, lose the job because I had to call in to the job just to go to the interview, and possibly not get the job that I interviewed for. The end result, totally fucked. And its not out of the realm of possibility as it has happened to me before. So I gotta be patient. And right now, I am past the "worried sick" phase and have flowed into the "what ever happens, happens" mode. I still sleep like shit, but at least now its sleep.

Was suppose to be downtown at this time, but I didn't really wanna be there. They already had seven or eight bouncers on staff, I was just another body. They asked if I wanted to split, and without hesitation, I was in my truck heading home. Its not a real job, its just to help pay back a debt. The owner, to whom I am indebted, said I could split, so if he's cool with that then so am I. Honestly though, I am at a weird place as far as bouncing goes anyway. I have done it for so long (off and on for well over 10 years) but I just can not get into downtown anymore. Oh yeah! I am fucking old. That and the fact that, with the exception of live original music, I tend to be a sort of a bar purist. I go to a bar to get drunk. No pool, no karaoke, just drink.

As one might perceive that this would be a blog of pissing and moaning, but its not. Just thinking. I am not in a bad place in my head really. All is quite peaceful actually, both internally and externally. I know a job will show up eventually. I just need to get my focus. Academically and professionally. Socially wouldn't be bad either. But one thing on the list at a time. Grumbles and gripes of this blog aside, I remain very optimistic. How, I have no idea... but I am. I remain a silver lining mother fucker!

Chance hates the God Hates Fags people

2009-02-22T23:54:00.005-06:00

http://www.outcomebuffalo.com/wbbc-crash-demo-222-200824004.htm

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29288904/

Good for the 100 counter-protesters in Buffalo and, I thought I would never say this... but, good for Great Britain. I don't think I am breaking any new ground when I say I can not stand the practices, philosophy, nor any one of the people associated with the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). Radio shows give them air time in a sort of mockery and for shock value, Howard Stern has as well as Ron and Fez continue to do so, but why. I understand free speech and I believe they are allowed to say what they have to say even if its absolutely wrong... but I am conflicted because I really wish they would get the shit kicked out of them for saying what they have to say. It amazes me, in this day and age, that people still think like this. I suppose Atheists think the whole religious lot are just as silly, and the Westboro Baptist folk only add substantial fodder to their argument about how silly and primitive religion is. And in the case of the WBC, I have to side with the Atheists. This blog is about contemplating religious views, my personal religious confusions, and my contradictory stance on the freedom of speech, because I want to have the likes of the WBC silenced.

Religious fanaticism of this degree is ridiculous not to mention dangerous. And again, as someone who is completely for freedom of speech, it bothers me even if done in jest, that nationally syndicated radio shows give them air time to spread their filth and hate. I know that most people get the joke, that the WBC are on to be made fun of... but there are some out there that actually believe this shit and identify with and subscribe to their philosophies thus giving more strength to the WBC and their ilk. I am glad to read the stories like those recently in Buffalo, New York and I applaud Great Britain for stopping that filth all together from entering their country.

Political leaders past, and if we are not careful, the future (the likes of W. or Palin), and those that practice the extremism of the Muslim faith prods me to yell God does not work in that fashion. Killing and Hate in the name of religion is wrong. Subscribing to hate filled religion is Wrong. I have problems with some of the practices of my own religious path, those of the Catholic Church. They have had a past that is bothersome to say the least. Forced beliefs upon others, accept their faith or death: Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, etc. I also have a difficulty with their stance against women's right to choose and their softening, but still ongoing stance against homosexuality. So why am I still a Catholic? It lays in the ritual. I am into the ritual of that particular religious group. Again, siding with the Atheistic view, this is quite silly and does not give any ground to stand on. But I still believe that God or a god concept is inherent in all people, as no matter how primitive or advanced a society is, there has always been some form of religious or spiritual practice, so that tells me something has to be there... and therefore Atheism is a learned practice. Most people have their path and religious community, and mine is Catholicism. It does not mean I think mine is right, it is just right enough for me as I contemplate religion and my trying to understand it. To me Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Muslim faiths all have their purpose for those who wish to follow said paths, same is said for those who follow Pagan and Nature Oriented spiritual practices. I believe that religion is a personal choice. I don't impose my beliefs on anyone and can not and will not tolerate those that force their views on others, especially when their views include hate and supremacy... and that includes those that follow the philosophies and practices of the WBC. I don't want to impose censorship of these idiots, but I wish they would just shut the fuck up and go away. And if there truly is a God (and I am not just being a silly goose),for all the people that subscribe to the philosophy of the WBC, I kind of hope God is Gay. Wouldn't that be sweet, sweet justice...

IBC show review 2.20.09

2009-02-22T16:29:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I have done a show review, not because of the lack of shows, though that is somewhat of a contribution, it's that no shows have really stood out to make me want to review them. Plus I have been really lazy.

The show was at IBC in Bloomington Illinois 2.21.09, and in my opinion, not the best place to see a band. There are stages that are set up for everyone to see the band without distraction and then there is, what IBC has, a mezzanine in which people have to look up at the bands. Also the sound there really sucks! I think they have the vocals coming out of the monitors so that the band can hear, but as far as utilizing the PA so people can hear the vocals, close to nil. My advice to IBC, get a new sound person and put the bands down where people aren't looking up at them like they are dictators giving speeches.

The first band on the bill, from the South Side of Chicago, the band Number nine (www.myspace.com/number9rocks). I really liked them. Its been a while since I heard a band that made me homesick for a time frame of my life. When they first started I was taken with the old Nard Core sound (80's hardcore out of Southern California/Oxnard, Ca. area , old bands like Agression, Stalag 13, Ill Repute, etc.). And in talking to them, have been around just as long as in the Chicago area (I probably should emphasize again, the South Side of Chicago or they would kick my ass). And they actually were a nice bunch of guys with a history and a story or two to tell. If you like old school punk, you will really like Number 9. I know I did. But I am an old man and it's that the nostalgic sound made me a happy kid again.

The second band from Michigan or somewhere in the Northern Midwest, I forgot the name. They tried to capture that feel of the Irish American street punk band, but failed. Honestly, was not to impressed. The music was alright but from what I could hear of the vocalist, he was battling to obtain a sound he could not grasp. Maybe he had an off night or had pneumonia.

The third band, I didn't get the name of and I missed their entire set. I am sure they were great (look at me kiss ass).

The final band, and in my opinion, the most uncomfortable show I have seen, Bloody Mess and the New Disease (www.myspace.com/bloodymessandthenewdisease ). Bloody started off the set by jumping up on the guard rail, and by just holding onto the sprinkler system over head, he proceed to spin, jump around, and hang out over the floor 15+ feet below with the grace of a drunken gymnast. Though drunken, Bloody is NOT a gymnast, so I had that sinking feeling of “this is NOT gonna end well”. I had similar bouts all through their set as he kept jumping on the monitors and hanging out over the guard rail. Awaiting Bloody's impending doom aside, the band played really well (even with the minimal glitches like the bass guitar chord coming unplugged and the overall shitty work of the IBC sound person).

So, for the nostalgic sound, I really dug Number 9 and out of fear of watching someone about to die, I enjoyed, albeit uncomfortably, Bloody Mess and the New Disease. I am thankful, this is only a review and not the description of Bloody's last minutes on this plane of existence. And finally, let me take a moment to address the powers that be at IBC; get a new fucking sound person and put the bands down on the floor!

Head up my ass

2009-02-16T21:53:00.002-06:00

I can not get motivated and I am getting more restless. Being unemployed is really annoying. It's not the fact that I am broke, its just that I can feel myself getting more lethargic as well as having worsening bouts of insomnia and it is really getting depressing. You start to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, you annoy yourself. Who knows what it's like to be around me, but it can't be good. For those that are, I apologize. The good thing is there (as I am sure I now jinx myself) is a guy I worked with a year ago, he is gonna throw my resume in the ring for a job. The bad thing... yep, 3rd shift. Even worse, no set schedule. It's not like a Monday through Friday type set up. I could work 7+ days in a row before getting a day or two off. But, I need the work. I just hope it doesn't lead to burn out like I felt at Gray. The lack of social interaction really takes its toll and makes a job unbearable because life itself becomes unbearable. Again, I reiterate, I need the work. That seems to be the ongoing theme here in Peoria, I work 3rd shift if the job pays OK enough. I am really sick of 3rd shift... but I need the work.

A date with myself (scattered in thought and horribly written)

2009-02-14T16:01:00.004-06:00

So, I decide I am not gonna be bored on a Saturday and since I had been wanting to go and see the Picasso Matisse Chagall exhibit at Lakeview, I decided today would be the day. I had to sneak a couple cell phone shots in to commemorate the day. I don't know why you aren't allowed to take pictures, but like many rules... they are meant to be broken.

The Matisse lithographs and Chagall pieces didn't do much for me (I liked the Chagall piece, "Isaiah":
but that was about it).

But to my surprise, I actually liked quite a few of the Picasso linocuts and aquatints. I had never really cared for Picasso. But you know, before I saw some of the Warhol pieces at the Museum of Modern Art in San Francisco, I didn't really get him either. Not that I am all about Picasso or cubism, but one series I really liked (but didn't get pictures of), were 3 variations of 2 women in the bedroom. I wish I remembered the name, but what can I say, my memory sucks!

Another piece I liked was:
(stolen from the web)

The highlight, to me, was this creepy piece:

It is just an estate portrait, unsigned (no artist is known)... But the homunculus face... just creepy! (I had to photo manipulte the glare out, but you get the idea).

It was $6.00 for fuck's sake, so I didn't expect much (though I was able to get into the Museum of Modern Art for FREE!!!). But its a way to kill the Saturday.

Plus I was able to score a book by Ernest Hemingway, "The Snows of Kilimanjaro and Other Stories" for 50 cents!

FACE!!!

Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T21:05:00.005-06:00

Well twas the night before ~~Christmas~~ Valentine's day. I have never looked highly on this day. Not because I am the lonely isolated bastard that I am, but because it is merely a Hallmark holiday. I mean honestly, if you have to have a special day to tell the one you love "I love you", then you have bigger issues at hand my friend. Also on 2.14 in 1998 I held my brother's dog as it literally shit itself and died. That was too much for me. I had seen things that would soon die and things that were dead but never the act of dying. Boy, did I realize I can not handle shit like that. Since then I have developed a sort of a sense of gallows humour to cope (when my step-dad died, I asked the coroner folk that to haul off his cadaver to knock on the door and announce they were from the church of latter day saints. They didn't go for it, but they dressed just like em, so I had to try. Or when my father was about to be taken off life support, I made fun of his Darth Vader impression). So yes, Valentine's day to me is a shit holiday.

So tonight, I throw back beer I have never tried before (I miss being the "beer snob") and listen to Last.Fm (circle Jerks Channel- Old school punk/hardcore). I bid you all a Happy Valentine's day, but I don't need a specific day to say I love you, though I still have issues... that would not be one of them. If I may suggest, try being romantic during many of the other 365 days in year. Go on dates, not just this date. Embrace your loved ones and tell em you love them. Then do it again, say, every day thereafter (and fer fuck's sake, say I love you and mean it). You never know when your significant other... or you yourself, may shit the bed.

um...

2009-01-31T12:53:00.004-06:00

So what have I gotten myself into... Ok, so first show in 7 years ish. Yeah, nervous... Past due and necessary, but yes, very nervous. Slept maybe four hours, have a cold setting in, throat already scratchy, so I know after tonight, talking will be difficult. Last time I sang with the flu, I had no voice for almost a week, then sounded like Tom Waits the week following. Nothing against Tom Waits voice, just sounds odd when its coming from my head. I have tried to nap, but just stare at the ceiling. I hate the hurry up and wait part. Waiting is my biggest enemy. Nothing but time to work yourself up. Rollins Band and Pacing is all that is on my schedule until 6 pm... Then when the equipment starts going out the door, the heart drops, and head fills with panic that does not stop until the band after us begins to play. Its an addiction. A bad one. I have stage terror, but there is such an intensity while in the middle of a panic and you have to push yourself through it. Lyrics will be on standby in case brain shuts down. Have always had the lyrics close by. Hard enough to remember them, add anxiety and all bets are off... I am addicted to putting myself out there... I am addicted to the fear... I am just grateful its only just shy of a 20 minute set. Its quick and painful... But its quick. Not drawn out. I only have to push it for 20 minutes. My mantra... I don't see how people do this shit for a living.

Short Story first pass typos and all...

2009-01-23T19:32:00.007-06:00

Friday:
"I thought you opened up at 6am? It's 6:15, and I was outside freezing my ass off"...
"I was taking a shit" said Paulie. "Fuckin' sue me".
"Bushmills?"
"Naw", I replied, "my guts are still hurting from last night... A red eye will suffice". Paulie, pours a chilled mug two/thirds Budweiser and tops it with tomato juice... "Tabasco?" "fuck no" I said, "what part of guts and hurting do you not comprehend" Paulie cracks a slight grin of either empathy or annoyance... It's too early and I'm too hungover to tell. "What's up your ass, Bubba" Paulie said... Now I know he smiled with annoyance. I hate being called Bubba... Bubba means the exact white equivalent of Nigger... And Paulie knows this... Everyone knows this. When I get drunk and I hear that word, I tend to go off into rants about hating that word... But I still use the word Nigger... Not out of racism... Just love the sting of the word... But I guess that is the karma of it all... When I hit their annoyance buttons, I get called Bubba... You would think I would have learned by now. But if I was a learned man, would I be in this bar at 6am? Everyday? Nope... But here I am, first one everyday.

"so how'd you fare last night, Bubba" Paulie asked. "Ok Paulie, I started off "so I am a bit on the shit side of things, can we drop the Bubba"? "and last night was about the same, bought too much booze, smoked way too much, and went home and stared at the ceiling until the world slowed back down to its normal revolution". "I thought I would make a new change today, but... Today is not a changed day. So here I sit before you at this ungodly hour, just to make your life hell..." I slowly drink my red eye and watch as warehouse men and women come in after their shift and the recreational alcoholics stop in before work. Blue collar, white collar alike... They all make a brief appearance. They know me by recognition alone. I don't talk to them and they return the favor... Our dialogs consist of head nods or heads shaken in distaste if I turn to them just in time... The only words may be a "thank you" if one of Them buys a round for the house... And sometimes a grumbled "fuck you" from either side can be heard as well... But for the most part its just their discussions of sports, wives, husbands, lies, and of failing dreams backed by the jukebox, rounds ordered, and the slamming of the glass on the table when they have had their fill.

"Ah! It seems I won't be doing this shift alone" I said out loud, as Allan walks into the bar. "what time did you make it out of here last night" I asked him... "Fuck if I know, but you were still here when I did". Anthony said right as he was ordering his first beer. "You were eyeballing what's her face and going into bouts of your normal internal dialogs and what not"... "you were pretty glazed when I did leave. What time did you get out of here? and did you...?
" Fuuuck no", I stopped him mid question. "I have no idea what time I got out of here either".
"Give us what he's havin', Paulie" I yell down the bar... And we sort out our day, quietly... Listening as the city begins to wake up. The sun through the establishment door is very harsh this time of morning... Everything is... But it get's better the more you intake. That or you just forget how harsh it can be out there as you begin to deal with the shit in your own personal head space.

How does one show up this early after drinking til the clock stops being paid any attention? Naps during the day, haunting heartbreak stories, and lots of heart burn. One comes in still haggard from the night before, thus the liquid breakfast. Tomato juice is healthy. Beer is healthy... Well drinking beer in moderation is, but we all gave up on moderation a long time ago. So we are hopeful that the tomato juice holds up its end of the nutrition pyramid. Jerky, tacos, pizza, and the deli at the store where they have day old greasy Chinese food, that pretty much makes up the rest of any nutrition we might need. Oh and White Russians... They look like milk, so in my eyes it's just as sufficient.

Why we got here, is another question and usually follows the how's ... But I assure you there is no exciting answer. Any answer we gave would probably mirror what we do now. To most it is an absolute drab existence. But it is as full of joy, laughter, loss, and wants as any other life's story... Ours is just a bit more centralized. No fanciful excursions to far off exotic lands. Nope.. From our individual doors to this door, to the jukebox, to the pisser... Do we experience excitement? Oh yea, we get some of that as well... Name one place that serves booze and that someone doesn't act a fool... And there are always alternative methods of getting fucked up floating through here... I assure you, those on a mixture have been on the embarrassing side of the entertainment more often than not... I know all too well...
Fuck, do I.

How do we get our money to live like this? Now that is about the first reasonable question asked... Most of us are on Social Security for one reason or another. Allan and I, well we have a long standing here. I use to book shows that kept the bar open in lean times, and Allan has been coming here since he was a kid with his father and his family were almost family with the original owner and the fact that he has pretty much trained every bartender in the place as they came in. We run an occasional errand and grab a case or two, haul out trash during busy times and throw out any novice drinker who has overstayed their welcome, and for all that and the time served here they tend to overlook our bar tab. We know not to pull a drink for all my friends and they forget that we owe them money... Pretty simple and very helpful when you are drinking your last years away... We call it a mission now. No cheating, like suicide... But it's an unspoken race to see who goes out first.

Today is Friday, so I know this is going to be one of those long haul type nights. “Hey Allan, I gotta few errands to run, you gonna be here tonight?” I know the answer is yes, but because we are fond of the drink doesn't mean we can't still act polite. And those errands means take a nap and sleep it off. I have reintroduced alcohol to my hungover system. I'm not feeling hung, just slightly buzzed, not yet drunk. Ideal for sleeping a few hours and to wake up normal. Normal-ish is probably a better phrase. Allan yells out, “yep, I will be here with balls on”. “Hey” he adds “you hear who is back in town”... “Kelly ”...
“Fuck!” I said in my head, probably slipped out a little too, because I hear Allan laughing as I exit the premises... “Kelly”, I mumble out loud on the sidewalk, “so much for that fuckin' nap”

Kelly, is a right piece of work. All girl on the outside... and has class... Beautiful in her time, and still is in my opinion, well she was last time I saw her.. Not much could happen in that time, what's it been, five years. But with her, who knows... Then you get to know her... That girl knows how to put em away, both booze and men. She may seem your average just-past-her-prime professional citizen and part time alchy, but I assure you, if you get inside her “social circle”, the woman will say and do things that would make a veteran hooker blush. Some of which, you would definitely have to pay extra for. She had her heart broke once, badly... Johnny or Donnie, something like that... But ever since then, she has dismissed plenty a good man... I was one of them at one time. Another man with good intentions... That is probably my only endearing quality left... Good intentions. I wish I could honestly say, “but that was then...” But... Well, I guess I settled with alcohol and she chose a ghost.
Yep, a real piece of work. We both are...

The pining dies down some over time, especially when mixed with whiskey and filtered through ice. It is strange how I still get so lost in thought over her or else I would have thought to head back towards my place to catch that nap. Now, I am heading who knows where, lost in thought...
“Fuck the sun is bright!” snapping me to as I said it out loud. The sun and my own voice caught me unguarded. I need to get my head on straight and turn around and head back to my place. I walk past the bar, flipping Allan off... He starts laughing again. He loves this shit. He loves to see me squirm when she is around... He brings up her name just to watch the pallor fade from my face as my brain fills back up with memories. Yes, you could say I still have a thing for her.
“Fuckin Kelly”... I mutter in my exhaled breath as I open the door to my studio apartment...
“Fuckin Kelly...” as I fall into my bed to get that much needed nap.
My initial hunch is already proving to be correct, tonight is definitely going to be a long Friday night.

Friday Evening:
Walking into the bar fresh from a nap, I get my first drink of the day. First real drink. Proper drink... Bushmills on the rocks with a slight splash of water. The first whiskey of the night is the harshest so I always have the water added. I see that some of the regulars are in their usual spots up and down the bar. Playing catch up with the same faces everyday is a bit tedious. We are at the same bar everyday, the same time... What ever story they have to tell is the same thing we saw. There are a fewe who do have somewhat of a life, well ties to a real life that is... They sometimes fill us in on what use to be... Take Jimmy for instance, he was married twice, has 3 kids... All of which are in the late teens or better. His oldest is in college. He is proud of his children's accomplishments, though he has been almost completely removed from their lives with the exception of the rare holiday card or sometimes when he gets too drunk and sentimental attempts to call where he gets pieces of his past life within the realms of an argument that leaves him quiet the rest of the night. The same rings true to a few of others, Tom, Steve, Jason... Their stories aren't so different. Varied just slightly... But like the rest, the stories aren't that different to really make a fuss about. Me, I never married, no kids, my father's lineage stops with me. Never saw a good reason to continue what my father started anyways.

Then there is Old Bill, how he made it this far is beyond any of us. We all wait to see his usual barstool empty every time we come in... But there he is. I am sure he has a story to tell but he is so far gone upstairs you can't make out much what he says... The bartender knows what he wants. Bartenders are taught that from day one. Cuba Libra, the lime was added because we all felt he needed his vitamins in some form... But yes, a rum and coke is all he drinks, with the exception of the holidays he will have a shot of Old Granddad. We humor Bill, when he laughs we all laugh, but none of us ever have a clue as to why. Even Allan, who's been here since he could get up on a barstool. He can't recall Bill in any other time or light There was never a golden era for Old Bill as far as any of us know... He has been this way since I was coming in on rare occasions, and now that I am a fixture... It's still the same. Same seat... Same Bill.

8pm, Allan walks in. He is looking as fresh as roadkill. You can see the scars from his youthful piercings about his face and ears. No real reason to get all dressed up when his date is with me every night he always says. It's true. We don't have any reason to get dressed up anymore. Its always a party here we joke, but really... Its just a matter of time... “Yep there's Bill” Allan says... “Then it is a party tonight and not a Wake”. He can come across as cold sometimes, but I know he would be pretty tore up if Old Bill wasn't there. Old Bill is kind of like an anchor to his youth. As long as Old Bill is there, Allan is still a spry buck.

“So, you seen her yet” Allan pipes in... “Fuck you Allan”, I said. “I am sure she will be in soon enough and then you can have your fun at my expense”.
“I'm just bustin your balls, Pookie” Allan sings out... “I know, I know... I got your first round, what are you having”.
“Old Bill's preference sounds perfect, um but without the garnish”.

I think that is another thing Allan fears, when Old Bill is gone, he will be Old Al. They pretty much drink the same thing throughout the night. I can still get him to do shots of Bushmills with me, and he has his beers in the morning, Bacon and Eggs as he calls it... But its only a matter of time before he assumes Old Bills throne. Rosy, the evening bartender sets the rum and coke in front of Allan, as I respond, “there you go your majesty...”
“Fuck you” he mutters with half a grin. He knows exactly what I mean.

“So did you drink too much and get lost this morning when you left”, Allan mocks. “No, dick” I fired back. “I just thought I was gonna get something to eat before I slept some of my life off”. “Hmmm, that would be the first time in how many years?” He knows me all to well, but he will not let situations to call my bullshit pass or without a proper ball busting. We have known each other for far too long. He knows just about every weakness I have, and he is not afraid to exploit them to give himself a good god damn giggle. I can't say I don't do the same to him. Out of the rest of the riff raff in this place I associate with, Allan I have known the longest, and like then as now, always has been one of my closest confidants.

As 9pm rolls around, the crowd is filling the place pretty well. The jukebox is up louder than most nights to accommodate the group now gathered in the place. As I notice that, something inside stirs, like a cold chill running through my spine... I instinctively turn to the door expecting some sort of altercation with the guy checking ID and some rowdy novice... But no... Worse, not trouble for the door guy... For me... It's Kelly... And she hasn't changed a bit, and I realize at that exact moment again neither have I, not inside my head anyway. Allan sees my face and immediately cracks a big shit eating grin. “It really is a party tonight...” He sees Kelly and chuckling says, “even better, a reunion”. “Hey Rosy, he needs a shot of Bushmills please...” he calls out and turns to me and quietly says “and a set of balls”... “Fuck off...” I grumble to Allan as Kelly walks up. “Kelly, why... er How are you”... I stammered like a nervous grade school boy. She knows I am still uncomfortable after all this time, and in her grace, I would assume, or maybe like Allan likes to see me squirm... She gives me a big hug and tells me she is fine, and that she is only in town for the weekend to finalize some personal business.
“I am here to get caught up and to see if I still have what it takes to last the night with the likes of Old Bill” she says in her sly cocky nature... “Man, Bill is still alive? Pretty soon that will be you Allan...”
“Hello to you too Mary” Allan says with his charming smile. I laugh... As uncomfortable as I am, I love it when Allan gets fucked with... and it sort of sets me at ease.

“What are you having” I ask Mary, as if I didn't know... Rosy already has the drink poured. Some people are never forgotten around here no matter how long they're absent. Mary is definitely one of those faces.
“On the house”, said Rosy as she set her drink in front of her. “ah yes, this place still has all it's uplifting charm”... Mary said with her usual sarcasm as she looked around the bar with approval, “I am glad this place doesn't change. It's comforting like an old lover or an old friend”... I agree... but taste the sting of the last bit. I always have a tendency to over think things and read things into something said... And lover and friend I read into and concluded she is definitely referring to me as the latter... She always has. I always wanted to be with her, but it never worked out in the grand universe of things... And I have thought about that ever since. She's not the reason I'm always here, but it definitely helps assure my decision. But she is here again, and I am not about to ruin the night with my wishful nostalgia and my bullshit...
I try to remain in the act of some obvious attempt at Stoicism in her presence. I also know that tonight I need to avoid getting too shit faced so I don't lose it and cave in and confess my adoration of her... That I still hold a flame for her... but even Allan knows what I am really thinking. He looks over at me and how I am desperately trying hard to not blow the act in her presence then just looks back into his glass as he finishes the drink and silently laughs to himself... Voltaire said, “Its hard to free fools from their chains they revere”. And no truer words have been spoken... and I am, indeed... a fool.

Saturday:
Saturday morning, a day I actually am able to sleep in for some reason. During the week, I am up at an unholy hour regardless how much I drink... Today, 11am. Not drinking my usual fill also allowed for a regular sleep. “I should remember that”. I tell myself as I get up out of bed... “And I didn't make an ass of myself” feeling almost triumphant. I remind myself of how last night could have been worse. I then remind myself that every time she is around I end up drinking too much and end up speaking of how I feel and how I wish things could have been and could be... I remind myself, I'm a dedicated drunk and she exists in the real world, with a real life, with a real job... A museum curator. I know fuck all about art, what would we have discussed all these years anyway... The guys at the bar are sick of hearing my diatribes by the end of the night. Seriously how could I have a conversation with the same person for all those years... The self-deprecation allows me to put myself back into my normal routine and mindset as I prepare for the daily ritual. I wash my face, throw on the least offensive smelling clothes and head down to the bar.

“Coffee please Paulie” I spout as I walk through the door. Paulie pours a cup with a look of confusion, then gets a look of remembrance on his face and smiles as he sets the coffee in front of me. “What did you do??? Why you all smiles all of a sudden?” Paulie says nothing, just turns and walks down towards the other end of the bar to read the morning's paper. As my eyes follow him back in my own confusion, I see an empty table with a cup of coffee on it with a book and laptop... “what the” I ask using the voice inside my head and that exact moment from the back room where the restrooms are, out walks Mary and sits down at the table. I walk over and sit down bidding a good morning. She smiles over at me, pleased to see me, but can also see that she has other things on her mind. “Personal business, huh?” I inquired... “yes” she confirms. “I am finally filing the papers for my divorce. That is why I am here. We have been separated for two years already, and since my lawyer is here I wanted to come into town to talk with him. He agreed to see me this afternoon so I came here for coffee, to finalize some particulars and to get my head together...” “Plus” She added, “this little bar was always a home away from home when I lived here before”. Good memories and good friends still haunt this place. so even after all this time, it is still home”. I smile at the warmness of the comment and the sentiment.

“So when did you get married?” I asked, “and too who”... “I hope you don't mind my prying”. She looked up with a slight smile, “no you aren't prying and it was a guy I dated for a year got married too soon and left not soon enough. I met him at the museum. He came in a did a speech while on a speaking gig for his book, and we sort of hit it off... Then a few years later, I hit the road... Nothing too exciting about the story at all... Nothing worth mentioning anyway.” I felt bad for her, even in my selfishness, I knew she was bummed about that whole situation.

“well hey”, I start, “I will let you to your business... Are you coming down tonight?” “Thank you... and yes I will be back tonight” she answered. The last part made my heart feel warm then panic set back in... I knew that tonight, I wanted a repeat of last night, meaning I didn't make an ass of myself... But there also rides that magical hope sensation... I excuse myself and said my farewell to Paulie and headed back to my apartment to do some laundry and make myself somewhat presentable for tonight... Yes, the perpetual hope-fool.

Saturday Evening:
Saturday night rolls in, I, showered, donning clean clothes , clean shaved, enter the bar in good spirits. Allan greats me with “Look at you... You like like a right fagot”... “Thanks Sweetie” I call back. “Bushmills Rosey”. Mary makes her entrance all smiles... She calls out “Its as good as done”, Allan looks perplexed... “she answers before he even asks... “My divorce”. Allan still in a haze... I look at him, “I'll explain later”...
“Rosey can I get the usual sailors a round of drinks”... Allan chimes in, “you definitely need to get divorced more often... “ Then looks at me...
“I will explain later”... I re-state.
She settles in and throws her shot back and orders another... “Whoa!” I exclaim... And they're off”... Easy killer you've a long night ahead of you... Her face went from celebratory to almost sullen. She looks over at me ans says, “I would like nothing more than to drink with you all until the sun comes up... But I have a relatively early flight tomorrow... And...” She pauses...
“And?” I inquire...
Um yeah, I know I said I was in town to finalize my divorce... But I also wanted to come say good bye”.
“good bye” Allan and I said simultaneously...
“yes”... She began... “I took a job on the east coast at another museum” I have to finish up some business at the old museum before I head out... So I knew this was the only opportunity I could have to come say good bye... The Lawyer could have been dealt with anytime... but yeah... I got a better job”.

Allan senses the mood has changed and quickly points at my shot glass.
I start to ask the billion questions that filled my head, but before a single word exited my mouth, Kelly got up and walked over to the jukebox... I look at my drink, then down it... Holding up the empty shot glass, I say to Rosy, Last call, make it a double please”...
She sees the look in my face, and grabs the bottle and pours then sets the bottle within my reach... they all know my story... As I start to drink my shot I here the somber horns of “Ruby's Arms” come out of the jukebox... I turn and look and see Kelly signaling me over to dance with her.
As the song begins to come to a close, with the feeling of the whiskey taking over my brain mixed with the scent of her hair next to my face... I moved in to give her a kiss... I knew it was now or, well it had to be now...
Kelly tightens up and looks at me with distress mixed with sympathy... I apologize. I fucked up and by the looks on everyone's face... They all knew I fucked up too... And not even Allan was smiling this time.
“Kelly, I am so sorry... I...” She stopped me and said look... It was good to catch up and I have to get to sleep... Tomorrow is... I interrupt, “I am sorry... ”
“I know you are sorry and...” she stopped … then finished “look, we had... we... Hey I 'll tell you what, meet me for coffee here in the morning... 11am... But I should go...” All dialog was lost in this awkward mess I started... Or finished the night with, rather...
I did it again I thought to myself. I fucking did it again...
Kelly turns and walks out of the bar...

Sunday:
I walk in and meet up with Kelly, she feeling a little groggy from the night before and sipping at an Irish coffee.
I start to apologize again and she stops me , “It was good seeing you again” she says . “ I do wish we could hang out more and get all caught back up on missed times... But my cab is already here and my flight leaves this afternoon and so I have to go”. She said...
“I did miss you” she said as she got up to go.
“I miss you Kelly” I responded... “I aways have...”
I walk her to her cab and we give each other a hug. “I wish... “ I stop myself... “Good luck”, I finish.
I watch as the cab rolls away, I turn and head back into the bar... “Bushmills”... I ordered... “Double... and a set of balls...”
As I set the empty shot glass on the bar, and while ordering another, I proclaim,
“Today is not a changed day”.

So who's cock does one have to suck to get a job around here?

2009-01-21T19:01:00.007-06:00

Well, I could be in more fowl of a mood... In fact, I am quite happy. Yesterday watched Bush go out... Got home after annoying my friend all day to find money in my mailbox in the form of a check, then went and spent 5 hours at the unemployment office to get my unemployment back... Seems school was a blessing and almost a curse... But no blood, no fowl. So, I don't have my fortunes yet (emphasis on yet), but I am able to breath a little better today than say 2 days ago...
The job I had really wanted, well I have just about done everything I could just short from going down there and playing Lucky Pierre. I have had no call/email/letter of job declination, but I am thinking that one got by me. I also look at the present state, there really are no other jobs here.

now you see why I am going back to school... A lotta bit late, but gotta do it sometime- I may just be the first homeless student I know, but at least I am a nearing 40 year old student... Noooo that didn't sound bitter. Ok maybe I am not quite festive, but not in a fowl mood per se.

School has always been elusive for me. I have attempted schooling 3 previous times. Chafey College in beautiful Rancho Cucamonga (I don't know exactly how beautiful the actual city of Rancho Cucamonga is, but how often do you hear Cucamonga aside from Bugs Bunny), Harvard on the Hill (ICC), and of course my short stay at California College to study interior design... Yes, I did... Now I am back in school Phoenix online (short bus college), and knowing my past track record, I wonder what is going to prevent me from completing school this time.

It amazes me I am not an alcoholic or in a drug induced stupor... Some of the best times of my life have been whilst under the influence of one or both... mmmm both... I really hate the day after, and I hate puking my guts out trying to stay in an inebriated state... Plus I hate losing all the battles my mouth tends to get me in while I'm seven kinds of shit faced. Being a loner is less depressing when all your friends have been driven away because of your drunken antics, and you pretty much have it in your head that they are the one's who fucked up anyway... Staring into smoke stained mirrors while throwing anything back 80 proof or higher. Maybe that is why I am not getting fucked up anymore... I can't smoke in bars... Maybe my cigarette habit saved me from a destroyed liver and other ailments... There is that silver fucking lining again.

I miss the old run down bar where exist only people who live on social security checks which is spent almost exclusively on cigarettes, horribly cheap booze, and beef jerky for sustenance. Another bad part that keeps me away... The jukeboxes... The music on those jukeboxes suck... Bad country, bad 70's tunes, bad 60's tunes, and more bad country. Maybe some day I will find a bar that will only have Tom Waits and Nick Cave on the jukebox... One that I can smoke at... And keep well enough to myself, because as we all know I would have ran you off by now anyway.

So yes, I got caught up in another thought while thinking of something entirely different... And you still ask what am I thinking... It tends to wander, so half the time I don't even know myself... Where was I....

Oh yes, sex...

wait... No that is a short subject (on many fronts) short and bitter...

No, I do have full intention to complete school this time (as opposed to last time...? What ever shut up, I am just typing my brains out now). I also have full intention to find a job...

Then maybe I can go back to my bar. Maybe also I can build up the courage to ask the "forever here girl" dancing by herself to dance with me to "Ruby's Arms"... Just one dance...

Yes, she is still attractive, in a greasy unkempt sort of way... So what if she may also be semi-toothless... I bet some 20 years ago, she was probably really good on the eyes... It's just that time and alcohol and a series of broken dreams and many ex-boyfriend's still going by names like Johhny... left her in her present state... in a place like this... with the likes of me. We all have our stories... That is why we are here. It wasn't intended, we all just sort of wound up here... And are here everyday, until last call...

Another cigarette and a delayed pull on my Bushmills... then maybe... just maybe... she will dance with me to "House where nobody lives"...

Last time I ask, I promise...

Shot down, in my fantasy dive bar...

Maybe I really should stick with school...

The start of a new year and now the start of a new era!

2009-01-19T20:52:00.009-06:00

When 2007 was coming to a close, I vowed to develop a new and better attitude towards myself and my surroundings as the clock hit midnight 2008... And 2008 eventually became one of the better years that I have had so far walking on this planet. 2009, started a bit bumpy, being unemployed and watching the economy of this country going down the shitter, I have to confess, my attitude was starting to mirror what was 2007 for me. Seeing some of my friends and family having shit happen early on this year helped me keep a less than positive attitude towards the new year...

Then I remembered... January 20th... Tomorrow!!! Possibly bigger than any New Years ever. I mean, not only are we watching the ousting of a HORRIBLE political leader and his henchmen and the incoming of a new administration... The past 8 years are done! And to add more positivity to the mix, the end of an American hidden agenda of racism... A Nation is waking up... Moving forward. An entirely new America is being formed tomorrow. Maybe there will be politics as usual, but the fact that a black man is being sworn in to the highest office in this country, it is truly a new start... I see that there is hope not just for the middle class or well-to-do, but for Everyone. Boundaries have been broken.

Today, the United States recognized MLK with a legal holiday and tomorrow, the country... The World... will see his speech... his dream realized... "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character"

That, is bigger than any New Year celebration...

This is a New Era Celebration...

And I, for one, am going to go into it with hope, with goals, and my own dreams... They may not be as big as one man's dreams, but they are mine... And as for hopes... Yes, I am hopeful things will not only improve personally, and improve for those in my personal network... But also for a nation, who is taking one of the largest leaps forward... And politically, the biggest step forward ever... And ino the eyes of a World... who now will be looking back at us with hope instead of turning their backs on us because of that guy who is now no longer leading (and in his eyes, ruling) this country...

Yes, tonight is New Era's eve... Tomorrow brings something more than a new day... It brings a new start for America... For us all...

Yes, I am that hopeful...

Happy New Era!!!!

Hank and I

2009-01-07T12:01:00.002-06:00

Last couple of days have been pretty good days on this front. I finally took the time to clean the house. It needed it, bad. Why don't dishes do themselves? I waited long enough and the bastards just wouldn't do it. That set the chain of events off... Now, the house is back in control. I think tonight I have a date with "fireplace". I am gonna bring the mid week to a grinding lull of tea and reading next to the "fireplace". I say that now, but who knows where my mind will be in a couple of hours. Just as it sits, seems a good time to be boring. Homework done for the day, so nothing left on the to do list... I guess I should clean the fridge out.. I will wait a day or two to see if it is more cooperative than the dishes.

Yesterday I had a job interview... all I can say is I want that job!!!!!!!!! It is day shift hours (in at 6am) it's pay is comparable to my old supervisor salary, and I wouldn't be a supervisor!!! That is 3 in the plus column. 0 in the negative so far. Oh, it is like 15 minutes from my house... Make that 4 in the plus column... So I put it out into the Universe, I want that job!

The new year is mellowing out now... I was kind of anxious and cranky the first few days... I think it was the wine... So I have decided I am gonna cut back on my alcohol again. I use to go almost 6 months before tipping the bottle, but the last month or so I got sort of restless... Once I opened up that night at "band practice", I rediscovered my love for booze... Forgetting how I hate the way I feel the next couple of days; light headed, queasy, alcohol induced anxiety, and depression... Fuck that shit, I can do without the day(s) after... And only one way to do that, go back to being a good boy. Everyone looks like they are having fun on it, and I get swept up in it... But I look back, I really loved waking up clear headed everyday... So bring around the wagon, I am back on it.

Ok, well Hank and I are gonna go jack each other off for a while...

Oh, did I mention wanting that job? Well I do.

Happy New Year!!!!!!

2009-01-01T19:55:00.003-06:00

Well it was a night to remember... New Years Eve, 2008... And I bring the new year smoking at a downtown condo/loft after playing chess... (losing at chess as well). This is where I could go into a mentisental rant of how crazy my New Years Eve's use to be... But I think this is actually a more memorable one. Usually I was working at a bar, bouncing. It was slightly buzzed, but not in excess. All in all I was with my partner in crime, so it was good. I finally had to take my leave at about 7:30 pm tonight... I still feel like I over stay my welcome (they say I don't... I have very kind friends). Now home, need to prepare for the weekend. Stefanie is having her art shown and prints sold at Outside the Square, a first annual event of local artists and local bands... I am excited for Stefanie and I am excited for Shannon, who is taking on the task of putting on this event... Things to keep me motivated, looking on into the new year... It may be superstition, but 2009 is already looking like a really good year.

cheers!

PS... Oooops almost forgot the punk show down the street... Ending the first day of the new year, ears ringing... And hanging with friends... Nice. (11:06pm)

Today's advice for self...

2008-12-30T13:15:00.001-06:00

T'was the night of Christmas... And 2008 onto 2009

2008-12-25T20:25:00.008-06:00

Well the holidays are over (only New Years left)... I now have to focus on getting a job. Its creeping up on super important now, and I do have to say I am more than a little stressed when no one is looking... But worrying will not help the current situation... So it is to focus. I have said it a few times, and is probably getting close to over stated now, but damn it, I want to stay and stay in this house. It's all warm and smells like cinnamon, and well, after the 3 years I have inhabited the house it FINALLY feels like HOME.

2008 has been an amazing year. Even with its down turns, the ups have been so great that it keeps the downturns in perspective. Stefanie, I could not have had this awesome of a year with out you being heavily involved. In fact, I give you credit for helping me make the turn from my mindset of 2007. I can never thank you enough... Now let's see if 2009 can be even better. And by better, I very much mean for you as well! A challenge I have set forth. en garde!!!

Also finishing out the year and starting the new year with a variance on an old theme, 11/17. I am really excited about playing again. I am still torn as to just doing the 3 shows. If we are to continue this band, I want to hang up all the old songs after the 3 shows. The songs were very meaningful, especially lyrically... But I feel it's time to let those ghosts go (and yes, that means Love Lays goes too). Finally!
I am thankful to my old friend Dawn for asking the questions at the time she did, and I thank my brains for seeing what I had not seen for far, far too long... I am done looking for that something (what ever I thought it was), I am done running from... And I am hanging up that old mask of "Hard As Fuck"... It served it's purpose, now its best to let that go as well... I also have to thank Stefanie for helping with that latter one as well.

Yes, 2008 has been an incredible year to say the least. A lot of inner growth. I hope that the growth continues. And to those involved, thank you again... And even those not here, I am still thankful... Who am I kidding with the vagueness... Jude and Casey, thank you guys... I love you both tremendously. And Stefanie, I still think you shit gold! (possibly even with diamond corn).

White Christmas

2008-12-23T10:20:00.002-06:00

Why would anyone dream of that... Maybe if it were the olden days when horses pulled sleighs in this stuff... Then I guess it would be kind of pretty. But when you need smokes in this day and age, and vehicles act more like sleds than vehicles in this stuff, its kind of, well, not very dreamy. Funny though, the place I have been going on and on about... getting nailed with snow... Here or there, there is snow... Here, I already am.

Crass Mouse Week

2008-12-22T06:49:00.003-06:00

I went to bed way to early. Will be paying the consequences at about the time I need to get started on the day. Woke up sort of anxious this morning at 5 am... I will say, not being on 3rd shift fucking rules! So I am not even gonna bitch about not being employed, nor am I bitch about waking up early... I am just stating the facts, but when I look at it, in the bigger picture... I am not on 3rd shift.

I hope to do some final Christmas shit today. Christmas will be Tuesday for me. The morning of December 25, I will get in some hang time with my brother. It will be weird. It is at the same place I was at, Thanksgiving day. Surrounded by people who really love each other way to much... A real functional family... I would have sworn they stopped making them... But that is one that is as close to it as one could get... Sans calling the youngest "Chocolate Child" of course... She is dark complected, half Lebanese, with a love for gambling and an ornery attitude to match. When she gets older, she will be trouble... I think calling her "Chocolate Child" either acts as a way to try and keep her humble (without sounding creepy, when she gets older she is going to be gorgeous) or that is what gave her the attitude... But that is about the only variance from that picture-esque Rockwellian Family. But it is comforting in the household... Plus there is another vegetarian in the mix, so I know there will be food as well. Then after a few hours I will get out of there before that nice-ness grows on me.

Friday night... A movie night of excess, Jim Jarmush, Bushmills, and chain smoking cigarettes... That should cleanse any of the nice out of me remaining from the Christmas Holidays. I am sure musical interludes of Tom Waits will make its way into the air. Nothing like giving yourself the feeling you are in a dive bar to finish out the Holiday Season.

Then on to New Years Eve. Hopefully that will be low key. I will not be in the bars downtown. After working in them, dealing with "them", and all that... If I go to a bar anymore, it has to be a dive or at least as few people as possible. I guess I just finally outgrew downtown. I have seen it in others as they approach the age I am reaching. 1 year and some change from 40... (sometimes I still can't believe I made it this far- But that is another introspective blog rant, for another day).

Well guess its time for coffee... And start this day of negative one degree going... yes -1 outside... It could be worse... It could be 120 degrees. Las Vegas in August... PLTH!

Happy Holidays and all that stuff... And here's to the New Year ahead. 2008, over all, an amazingly great year. 2009, if it is better... I will probably explode. None of that was sarcasm... I Know!!! I'm Happy and I'm in Peoria... !!!! Who'd of thunk that would ever happen??? Show of hands... Me neither... But I am gonna ride this boat as long as it goes. It is weird being content... But that happiness blog is coming as well... Too much happy in one spot, people may think I am not happy, but have gone completely insane.

It fucking rules!

Space Lord Mother Fucker

2008-12-20T09:12:00.005-06:00

I hate that song... But its on, and if I don't listen to it all the way through there is probably a good chance it will get stuck in my head. You know how bad it is to have a song stuck in your head. Well, when it is a song you dislike, amplify the annoyance factor by like a billionty.

Ice storm of Peoria, there is one picture out there waiting for me to capture. I am gonna try and get it this morning. But first I have to get dressed. No, I am not nude, you cheeky monkey... But all my shirts and stuff are in the dryer. But that picture is right there taunting me. When you see it, you will think "aww, how may times have I seen that one"... And as right as you may be, it still is taunting me... Stupid ice covered tree with those red berry thingies... Right next door, laughing at me.

No, I am not crazy! but it is laughing at me... I am almost tempted to go take the picture now, but I would freeze to death walking from my door to just across my driveway. And being that I am barefoot too, I am sure I would slip and fall, thus assuring my freezing to deathness.

When you see me staring off into empty spaces, and you ask what am I thinking... Sometimes these are the kind of thoughts that run through my head... So probably better to never ask... The more serious my face whilst in thought, the more I am thinking of things like those dumb berries, all covered in ice... And how dangerous it is to get such photos. Not dangerous like climbing a mountain just to pick a flower dangerous... But Dangerous in the fact I have given it serious contemplation to go out at 8 am in just my underwear to take said picture... It's 9:22 am now, and I have resolved to just writing about this dilemma. But only until my clothes are dry... Then picture you will be mine...

Then we will see who is laughing!

I assure you it won't be those iced tree berry things!

10:30 (ish) am

Vengence is mine!!!!!!

Never fight it, you only look like a fool when you lose...

2008-12-18T18:13:00.002-06:00

I hate television. I like movies, prefer to watch them at home... But commercial television... Despise it. Commercials are what made me look to satellite radio (although I mostly listen to Opie and Anthony, which has commercials... Never said my thinking was not flawed...) But, I had fought watching programs that you have to follow, as I don't want to be tied to television programs, which I failed to accomplish with the likes of Dr. Who, Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Now add Gilmore Girls. I know someone who is sitting balls deep in their smugness (if she had balls), and her significant other who also has some fun poking fun at my succumbing as well... The look of accomplished shit- headedness upon her face when she saw the exact second I "got" the show... I wanted to fight it, but sometimes you have no choice but to lay your king over in full acknowledgment of check mate.

On other fronts, still unemployed. Normally I am not into holidays, and this year albeit is different, I still can't wait for the holidays to be over so I can focus on getting a job. I like downtime, but after a while, it gets to be too much. Although I do a lot of thinking, I am still kind of floating in my epiphanous thought spree, but too much thought tends to lead me in bad directions. I have the ability to over think things. A job helps break that up.

That with the job, I am hoping there is a chance I will be able to obtain school funding, so that I can get started. I have mentioned school in the past, and though it may seem as if I am falling away from it, I am still, with intent, planning on going. If this time fails, I will try again. Somehow, I gotta do it.

Seems my priorities have shifted... For the longest time, it was get the fuck out of here... Now, I wanna work it out and through and make a go at staying. Somehow, my house has started to feel like home. I don't feel so anxious and trapped anymore. I don't feel that life is a series of chain reactions until you shit the bed... Funny how that comes about... You go to bed with rage and you wake up in calm. And sometimes over thinking helps... Sometimes...

I still have an urge to go sledding! WHY?

Don't even try and read this... It is all rambling!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-12T17:12:00.007-06:00

Oh by the way, this blog will make no sense, I am just waxing nostalgic...
Writing what ever comes to my mind...

So, last night I was in bed like a good kid should be... Being that I am unemployed I could stay up all hours of the night right.... nooooo. I am looking for a job I assure you... But anyway, get woken up by some phantom fire smell. It may have been someone burning wood in their fire place, but I don't know. So I made my rounds at 4am to check up on everyone's blog... Get a call shortly after posting a comment... Seems only the cool kids are up at 4am it would seem. Then for the first time since 2000, I started writing lyrics. It is a strange trip to write a song for 11/17 after being away from it for over 5 years.

Excerpt from journal 12.11.08 10:30pm:
"Tonight was band practice. The band is hitting it, I was not there. My throat could not hit it like it did back then. I think this was the first time when I saw my weakness. My throat doesn't harsh out like it did... It just fucking quits. We got a show coming up at the end of next month, and its now that I miss my old band. I feel like I am almost betraying them. It was always my band, but you know after the years put in and the shit the band has put up with... Put up with me... -other shit written in between-
Yeah, tonight was band practice... big fucking deal."

To finally be putting pen to paper, with new music... It is kind of strange now. Its not the same band... It will always have the moniker 11/17, but its not the same. The guys in the band are really great humans, they play incredibly well... (Like almost too good)... It is kind of intimidating really. But it is a studio musician setting. 3 shows then more than likely done. It is weird seeing that 11/17 is now filled up of studio musicians and my dumb ass.

11/17, started as "Retarded Children in Agony" in Vacaville, California, then after very drunken and drug induced month long stay in Las Vegas, which the final nail was me putting my then drummers head through the window of a trailer we all stayed in, as well as the scam we pulled off to get money to go to Disneyland... I then moved to Woodland, where I met a tall boy with long industrial hair, dyed blue... and fell in love... From 1992 on, Jude has been as much of 11/17 as I have (even when I kicked him out for a month)...

11/17 in all its forms consisted of (aside from me) James Morris (guitar), Robb Morgan (drums), and for the one show we did as Retarded Children in Agony, Jeff Reed on Bass... The Las Vegas version (though no shows), Robb Morgan and then the bass player was _____________... Um some dude originally from Fairfield, who had the trailer in Las Vegas that we stayed at (and totally THRASHED by oil wrestling Tre Kolar in the kitchen... and holes punched in ceiling and blood red paint EVERYWHERE after he moved back to Fairfield)... But I digress...
Woodland, was (again, aside from myself) Jude Croxford on drums, James Meloy on Guitar and most of the time with Joel Kreuger on bass... I know Corey Boobar was jamming with us and Joe Ekhert did one show at the Cattle Club and 1 house party we did... Karen's going away party... I have been told Scoobie did a Cattle Club show with us... By you Jude, is that true? How many times did we play the Cattle Club, 2 or 3 times?

Its funny, I don't even know the new band members full names, with the exception of Chris.. And I don't even think I could type it here without totally bastardizing it. I know Brian of Nard Voris , and Devon of Drowned in Echo... And that is about all I know of them. I got to know Brian from the Nard Voris shows and Devon because I did a spoken word jam with Drowned in Echo once at a Pizza Works show and saw them play a Bloody Mess tribute set... But none of us have really done the hang time. Chris and Brian have come the closest to putting in "work"... but only 1 night... But NOTHING will ever compare to the work put in in the olden days... When we were mates first, band members second... And man, did we all put in work... The times punched in under whatever influence... Especially in Woodland... The Unity Crew (and Bob Ross Army/O.O.B.C)

And as for 11/17, yes I have thought about changing the name, from Gun and Doll Show (which some one has since taken) to Wolves Shame... It will always be 11/17 as, Joe Webber, the man who taught me to play guitar (and opened my eyes to psychedelics and just being a sort of a cross between the older brother I wish I had and the father which he assumed the roll of when I was 17 and was staying with my mom), in his sort of farewell when he shit the bed due to cancer on December 28, 2002... he died at 11:17 pm...

I should also say, it was pretty gratifying to know that my actual father, which I had a turbulent relationship with during my teen years and early 20's, he came to appreciate the fact that his son, was in a punk band... I got to wish my dad a happy father's day on the stage of the 11/17 reunion show... And to see him actually proud of the son (who not but 15 years earlier would berate and in one case beat the holy shit out of who was then a 14/15 a punk)... At 31 was still doing it... October 15, 2007 he shit the bed... Stroke

Defiance is my strongest weapon... Like my dad and many others out there, you can hate me with all your heart, but you will eventually love me...
Because I am such a charming fucking bastard!

So through all of that, what 1991-2008 history, going from a band in a park to a band filled up of studio musicians, and especially that version in the middle, has meant the world to me...

GOOD NIGHT, Mrs. Calabash--wherever you are!

Job search and other fun shit to laugh about...

2008-12-11T09:27:00.006-06:00

OK not really. But had to come up with some catchy title.

I have really gotten tired of this unemployment shit. It has been cool in one way, in the fact that I can hang out and the fact I can be somewhat be helpful... But it also allows too much down time. But, I am trying now to get on some sort of schedule. Yesterday I slept way too much and far too long. So I have to lock in and focus on getting a job. As it is right now, I think I have actually finally fallen in love with my house, and wanna keep it. Also, I am not currently bummed out by Peoria. I thank Stefanie... The prospect of having a band will also help. I think once we start doing shows, I will lighten up some. Something else to focus on and be anxious and excited about.

Another reason for a job, is that maybe I can afford school. I do know I gotta get a focus on that as well. I don't wanna be in warehousing the rest of my days, but I applied for another supervisor job (the pay alone will be making everyone and their mother apply for it, so I have a minimal shot). But, I am applying for supervisor jobs again, just to get the right moneys so I can afford this house and NOT have to have a room mate. That job I applied for would definitely allow that.

On another front, we have band practice tonight. We also have possibly our first show January 31st. Mostly old 11/17 songs (with a rework of Rip- only Jude will know what song I am talking about). Plus one new song. It is mostly instrumental at this time. It has some of my bullshit, but musically it gets all doomy then all Black Sabbathy (again, only Jude and I would be excited about that). I have asked the band to sign on for 3 shows, then after that, it is up to them. If they want to continue, then I am actually gonna try and give up the reigns, and just stick to writing words (IE bullshit), and lugging equipment. For too long it has been under too much of my "input" that I wanna try relinquishing the control.

Set List:
Bigotry and Racism
Rip
Poetry Jam
Love Lays Where Horror Lies
Best Intentions
New Song (as yet untitled)

That is right, taking it back to the 15-20 minute set 1993 style!
(we may still try and slide one cover in there).

So that is the news of this day, thus far. Wish me luck HA!

PS. Jude, check out the band Sun 0)))

A week od bad boy-dom and recovery... And being an ass again... Or... why I love ME!

2008-12-07T11:57:00.002-06:00

Not too much introspection going on, in my usual sense I guess. Its been a pretty uneventful week... With the exception of Wednesday. I got FUUUUUUUUUUCKED UP!!! I let the old Woodland Flag of '94/95 fly. House of pain, Mickey's Malt Liquor, dancing... Oh my! I felt I owed it to the band mates to see that I am not so wrapped up inside myself that I don't know how to get stupid. I don't recommend many of nights like that. But being so self-bottled up, I had to release the pressure valve so to speak, and blow off a fuck ton of steam. It was good for Chris, who is playing guitar and Brian, who is playing bass a chance to bond. I know them both, but they have never really gotten to know each other. So the boozing worked on many levels. I got to humiliate myself (which I do so god damn well), and a chance for the boys in the band to bond... You know, ape bullshit. Or as Ashley calls it, a bro down... The next day was a recovery and clean the house day... Both totally needed after the night that which prefaced that day.

Fridayt, was still felt slightly anxious due to detox, but finally broke after eggs, OJ, and a nap that afternoon. Then for that night, Stefanie and I did some hang time at the book store, of which I was afraid to look at books. I have too many to read now as it is. And then Chris, Stefanie, and Miette took me out to Indian food. I don't recall exactly what the items were, I just knew that the food was so god damn good even after I was full, I went into sport eating mode. I couldn't stop. But the gas later that night... oooofa... Sorry had to share... That is what I do.

Saturday, helped Ted move into his new house. A lot of people showed up to assist in that transition in Ted's life. It was actually good to see Ted surrounded by very good people. Ted and I have drifted over the years, but I will always love that fucker. It is good seeing him going into this next stage of his life with good people around him, and more so with him. Then finally, ended the evening with Chris and Stefanie for chapter 2 of Lemony Snicket's The Bad Beginning for Miette's attempt at bed time... But actually its kind of cool having story time. I am sometimes still a little kid, shut up! And then we watched The Strangers (which if you liked that movie, you should see Them). I have a feeling it will be a while before we all share in a horror suspence film... Chis and I fucked that one up... But probably for the best, because I knew if I didn't leave shortly after that movie, I was certain to get a hard core kick in the balls...
And then what fun would Fridays be if I couldn't make you all stop and think of my balls.

When I think about you, I expose myself... Whoa... That is so not what I meant... Ok maybe a little

2008-12-02T09:12:00.002-06:00

I got an email from Ashley regarding a song I posted, and I got to thinking. I like to think I am a pretty time-induced stoic individual. Walled up and closed off due to what I have done, where I have been, been through, etc. Then when people come into my life that open my eyes to whats really going on. I am nothing but an inexperienced child who had had one hell of a bender in the 90's and early 00's. There are people like Stefanie, Christina, and Valerie who have seen more, experienced more, are stronger, and are a hell of a lot more lively to be around. They turned it all into experience, I seem to have turned mine into scars. Actually I think I have spent more time trying to not experience life. When I hear about their lives, how could I not love them in some way... When they experience bad shit, how could I not offer some of my wall... After all it has kept me alive thus far right? In turn, I always fall for those that have had more drama and trauma and have turned it into some sort of art. Some men look for their mothers in women, I look for women who are stronger than me, I look for women who I can learn from... someone with more intelligence and street smarts... Ones who scare me... I bring common sense (sometimes to the point of buzz kill). I have allowed what I have seen and been through to use as mortar in my wall. It allows me a sort of patience to those who have gotten close to me. Its like the more bullshit at that point, the more endearing. Not that I will gain experience from or for myself... But maybe, somehow, I can allow them to be themselves more without cracking. I don't really know my intentions. I just know that is who is drawn to me and I, them. As they get to know me, then I seem more serious. Like I take life and all this shit too seriously. I guess I do to a point. I mean I do want to protect myself as well... But really, when it all boils down, I want to have a good laugh, to love intensely and with purpose, and die at an old age knowing full well I accomplished both of those and have helped those I have loved more than I have harmed them.

Monday night Bjork

2008-12-01T19:05:00.002-06:00

Putting off starting back in on Henry David Thoreau's Walden and Civil Disobedience. Still feeling Solipsist. I was called "Rollins' number one fan" by a friend. That bothered me. I do look at Henry as like an older brother type in a sense, as it is his endeavours that showed me ways to express myself. Before, all my shit was written in notebooks and scratch paper and thrown in boxes... Not that it was any good (and I don't really miss the box full of my poetry that is in some landfill in Southern California)... But before that was it, notebooks, beer stains, and angst, displaced loneliness as well. Ok less angst, more loneliness. But when someone writes something that you can totally empathize with (dealing with people and one's self). Yes, I feel like a total douche sometimes, but hey... Everyone has their sort of role model I suppose. I just aim exceptionally high (sarcasm). Hey if I hadn't followed some sort of example, I don't think I would have gotten to do some of the things I have done. Poetry 'zine projects, spoken word sets between bands, met my good friend Christina. Hell, there is still a short film project that is rolling around in my head. And of course my band 11/17. An outlet that is more often needed to counter-balance my personal bullshit than for shits and giggles and good times. And you think I take myself too serious now, imagine me before I had an outlet. Already have too many scars from trying to blow off steam before. Then it was cigarette burns, now its my pen (or the computer... same thing... and I do em both... Horribly).

I also have to confess, I am so in the mood for a drink. Bushmills on the rocks. But... "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut". I just find it easier to just stay away from the booze. My mouth doesn't go into overdrive that way... or not as much I should say. A lot of people can learn from that Hemingway quote... As a bouncer, you see that more often than not... Too many people say shit when they are drunk they have no intentions of following through with. Mine has always been just waking up knowing I have to apologize to someone... OK, everyone. Bloody mouths, broken noses, blood splattered from floor to ceiling... And that is just my friends and I having a good time together... HOW THE FUCK DID I LIVE THROUGH THE 90's?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Sometimes I hold people to their word when they are drunk... And that is probably the last bit of naivete I still wrestle with. Books I don't know... People I do. Sometimes too well for my own good. But occasionally they can still throw a curve ball.

So now just listening to Bjork. She is as cute as a bug's ear... and I love her quirky voice. I seldom think of listening to her, and when I do, I am like "why don't I listen to this shit more often".

Well I guess I am going to bed and read. Another thought before I do... I am thinking I am going to get rid of cable TV altogether. I find I watch just a few shows, but I can quickly forget about them in time. We will see... I have to cut some corners financially, and I have to keep the intertubes and XM. Netflix is ok... But I am seldom sending the videos back but once a month. Not really getting my money's worth. I will see. I just watch movies with Stefanie and Chris... She picks good movies. Better than I have picked. I can't think of the last movie I personally put in to watch. We'll see on that one. But I have almost sold myself on getting rid of cable Television. Right now, I just like reading and listening to music.

Whoa!!!!!!!!

2008-12-01T10:58:00.004-06:00

How much mucous can come out of a nasal cavity?!?!?!?! I woke up this morning with an urge to blow my nose... FUCK! That was an understatement. My head had to be 3 times normal size just to accommodate all that shit! OK, I got that out.

Last night, looked for work. There are no jobs in Peoria at this time. I will continue to look but looks like I may just bring in the new year squatter style... Fuck it. The most important thing in the job is that I want 1st shift, next is the pay. I think I will continue to hound them down at the old dental lab. I know there are a few others in Peoria and will probably write up a dental lab specific cover letter to send to all of them along with my resume. A year and some change experience plus over 7 years as management, I think would show my work ethic right? Whatever...

Tonight, normally would be doing my favourite weekly ritual, hanging out and doing silence with Stefanie. Kind of got to do that today at her fiance's loft. I still find that very comforting sharing space and doing our own thing... and I can do silence. There is no awkwardness there. I can read stupid shit, not say it... If you ever need silence, I'm your man. Wish I could box it up and sell it. But I consume my own stash.

As the week progresses, suppose to talk to my old room mate. She might stay here for a bit. I don't want her to, but she can't stay in the living condition she is in. She brings drama and chaos. That was great shit when I was younger. Something about peace is so incredible now. I am old... and fuck you... I like it.

I also got a response for a roommate ad I placed nearly a month ago. She may check the place out this week. I don't think she will dig it... I have to say, I would rather have a female room mate. They don't bring in all the macho shit guys do. There is always an unspoken dominance game. Men will always have that gorilla DNA. With a female, things just flow easier. Its not that there is a sort of submission play, there is just a sort of balance. Peace... Well except with Erica, she is a dude...

Last night as I was going to bed, listening to SiriusXM, they have what is called Dark Wave, 3 hours of 80's post punk, goth, etc... and found myself falling even more in love with Siouxsie Sioux. I was laying in bed dancing like a total 'mo. (I do that when no one is looking). I assure you folks, I come across as big and scary... But once you have gotten to know me, I fail horribly at keeping up with that appearance. I am more scared than I could scare. I am a big pussy! HA!

On with the day...

Bob Seger text then snow...

2008-11-30T09:38:00.004-06:00

I can't help but feel anxious today. It is the first snow of the season going down right now. Snow makes me feel trapped. Even if I know this snow will be gone in a day or two. It will then come back with a vengeance. And the next 3-5 months, this is it. Cold, snow, locked in. 2 snow events happened that created this anxiety. The first was New years 1998 (I think) there was a blizzard and I was snowed in with 3 friends and their 3 young children in a small apartment. The 2nd was in 06, being snowed in at work and having to stay there for 18+ hours. Now that I think about it, when I was going to California in 1985 with my mom, we hit a blizzard in Wyoming (which could also explain why I hate Wyoming). I would love to be snowed in one time when there is plenty of food in the house, enough beverages... A lover too if I must admit. Then maybe this irrational neurotic mindset would disappear (one of them anyway). Then, maybe I could look at snow with a fondness (and a hint of a smile). This is a complete twist from where I was last night. I was comfortable, at peace, full of good food. I was around... Chris, you are a very fortunate and incredibly lucky man. Then home to read, and sit by my "fireplace"... Hey it doesn't radiate heat, but it looks good damn it!!!

Strange Planet Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T21:09:00.002-06:00

Went to where my brother was staying during his split time with his significant other. Where he is staying is at a place with possibly the most well adjusted, close, and sincerely nice family and friends. After a few hours around them, I was feeling pretty warm and cozy on the inside. No judgments on their parts... They were genuinely nice people. My brother and I had possibly the best conversation. And he was even sincere... I think I am gonna need someone to kick me in my nuts just to balance it all out. That can not be real... Families can not be that close can they? I tolerated Elvis Christmas music... I hate most Christmas music... I hate Elvis! Somehow, it was strangely comforting in that environment. After a while I had to split... No place that foreign can be that inviting and peaceful to the likes of me. The warmth of human compassion for one another was overwhelming... My brother had even taken to delivering Thanksgiving food to lower income and homeless people... They got him... They sucked him in! My brother and I didn't fight, he was very interested in what was going on in and around my plane of existence... Without mockery...
But don't you fear, I made it out untouched... Well maybe a little... But indulging in rock and roll (and the pumpkin bread they sent back with me) to combat the "nice"... Fuck, I ate the pumpkin bread!!! and I was very tired when I got home... And slept...

No, I am still the same...
I think...

Yeah, so I am gonna blog about it so it doesn't come to fruition

2008-11-20T11:19:00.003-06:00

Like many plans and ideas, I think of them... They sound like good ideas... Then that is where it usually stops. So for those playing at home, I have recently come across some spare time. Lots of it in fact. So yesterday as I was out spending money like a douchetard... I had a brilliant idea, that like my band, I would like to rehash or re-invent my poetry book... "Through Excess and Sorrow" Available on just about everywhere I blog... But I thought I would add to it by photography and art. For each poem, take a picture of something possibly symbolized in the poem, and then the hard part... Sketch something as well... I can't draw a stick figure for fuck all (and no Jude, they will not be skulls!)... So this may lead to time learning how to draw. Weeeeeeee! Challenges!!! PLTH!

Also, I picked up something I am quite ashamed of, but REALLY dig... A continual DVD of a fireplace. It is kind of rad actually. I was reading a book also purchased, and out of the peripheral vision, it looked fucking real.... And I smiled a little bit. Later on, I was just staring at the wall just above the TV with fireplace still going off, listening to Last.fm. Felt myself totally decompressing. I think I may have even smiled again.

Then, to end the day, I attempted to start hooking back up the surround sound, Failed!- But Fireplace in surround... smiles for all my friends (altered Barfly reference to make it applicable... Shut up!) I then started moving my room around... Then I decided I would try the other room. So now, my room is out of the purple room and in the main bedroom... The only bad thing is that my bed is under the window (no other place to put it)... But as I spend a couple nights there to see how I like it, I may "wall up" the window and make it look like the wall... I don't know. I am still wondering if I like it, if I will like it, or if I go back to the smaller purple cave... Um, that didn't sound right... But I have to say, when only candle lit, the room I am in now does have a sort of spa feeling... Yes I use candles and yes I said spa!!! I know I am gay... You all knew this too... Fuck off!

I am practicing what I preach!!!

I will put you all in an atom smasher... oh deer!

Vacation is over... Fuck!

2008-11-11T10:17:00.002-06:00

Tonight I head back to work. I have to be honest here, I hate that fucking job... I think I will hate even more now. This vacation failed in only one way, it was not the Portland trip weekend I was hoping for... Aside form that, it was a great vacation. A roller coaster of not much outside stimuli, only internal... Sometimes a lull, sometimes anxious, sometimes... Just anticipating. Even the one bad thing, feels almost right... Now... Nothing much else is hidden. It feels almost good to be weak. Keeping up a strong front had grown tiresome some time ago... It seems almost refreshing to be, well Not "Hard as Fuck". Though it does feel weird... At the show Sunday night, people blow smoke up my ass as to how intimidating I look... It's a birth defect... I, for the most part want to exist, and at (some) times with human involvement... Selected, but with, nonetheless. And it can be a serious obstacle for others to approach me and therefore me get close to them... We all have internal strife, mine just shows more on my face... and in my body language... This is what I do on vacation. Others take a trip abroad, I go inside. Sometimes I wonder if I am growing as a human or failing... Does it feel the same? Both, I think make me feel that hot flushing nervousness.
And silence, in that manner, felt really good last night. (that is me trying to be vague while talking about doing separate things yet sharing space, and really enjoying it)

Ringing ears, sometimes it is what is necessary

2008-11-09T23:30:00.002-06:00

So, I got tired of starting at the ceiling and the squirming from feeling like a fucktard from the night before, I decided I had to get out and luckily there was a punk show down the street. I wasn't gonna go... Wasn't up to it... Lots on my brain, and people+noise did not seem to be the answer... During the first 3 bands I still felt uncomfortable, then came the band from Lexington, Ky, The Bare Knuckle Boys... Then I remembered how good it feels to let go. It was comfortable, the energy pulled me in and by the last band, Off With Their Heads, I had to close my eyes and breathe in the energy. I need to go to more punk shows... More punk shows like this. Pop punk doesn't serve me well, but these, though not hardcore, was more subtle street punk, more fun than aggression, more drinking than fighting... These shows around here are few and far between...

On another note, I may have found a bass player. Brian from Nard Voris and maybe a drummer... The drummer from Disorder33. Chris, the drummer from Bloody's new band (and the singer from now defunct Latex Nuns) also may consider if I can't find anyone. Getting a band back together may help bury the confusion in my head.

Last night before I had the panic attack (that is about the closest as I can call it), I did have bouts where I remembered hanging with Jude at the Cattle Club in the olden days, it made me literally laugh out loud because of the memory... I really do miss him... I will not tell him (though he will probably read this) but with absolute sincerity, no matter the bullshit in my head, I really think he was the only one who saw me through emotionally rough times... Not by him hearing me whine or him showing concern... But because he could just make me laugh and put in perspective the importance of things. He was the only one who had ever said I needed to be in a band because I do start lashing out and freaking out when I have no form of expressing myself... Which is probably why I need a band now more than ever. Its not the same without Jude or James and Joel... But I need to do this with out them, until we can be back together again... Someday...

The band is not about good times for me, it is a form of therapy... They knew that about me... And the songs content, for the reasons they were written, somehow seems applicable now in someways... For the first time in my life, I feel more alone than I ever have before... Maybe because my old mates arent around... Maybe its because there is only one person here who I feel gets me, even over the friends I have had for 25+ years... And probably as much as Jude does... And as great as that is, it sometimes frightens the shit out of me. I can keep up a pretty solid wall about myself, but for this one, it's all exposed.

yeah... I need a fucking band...

Audio Claustrophobia

2008-11-09T16:02:00.002-06:00

Too many faces
Too much words
Finding no solace
in anything
The sounds crush
and words constrict
Overwhelmed inside
confusion turns to panic
The street pulls
the late night silence
Cold air shock
pulling myself together
to get away

Pointless post of day 4 on vacation and reflecting back on day 3

2008-11-07T10:46:00.006-06:00

Can I say I love vacation... even if I do nothing out of the ordinary. I REEALLY need to win the lotto... This could become a beautiful lifestyle. I have decided that my dumb house needs a fireplace. Feeling the chill in the air and the forecast of snow, I wanna be a total fireplace fag. The only thing about fireplaces, they are usually enjoyed whilst drinking Irish Coffees. And... Well I will just settle for hot chocolate... But think about it, is Hot Chocolate really settling? I say no! Hot chocolate rules damn it... Thanks $hawna, for putting that bug in my brains.
Well i did it... I signed up for school, gonna talk to financial aid on Monday, and if all goes well... I will begin class, of Lit and Art History... Who the fuck am I? I think these interests show why I dislike my current profession... I can't talk about fishing, hunting, football, sports period... They are not my scene, and that is so theirs... Not taking anything from them. I wish I could be the average American human... Where top 10 of anything pleased or appealed to me. Bonding over the sports ritual at the local tavern. It just means nothing to me... And the oddest thing, I use to be that way. I was bread to be that way. I wrestled in grade and high school. I played Football in High school... But that is so NOT me... That is what I was suppose to be... But I have no desire for that. The only thing that makes me an average American is my income and my profession. The rest, is all me...
I talked to my mother yesterday... Lately I have began talking to her about possibly going to therapy. I love both my mother and father, but they did a fucked up job in some areas. My father initially instilled fear in me, my mother instilled all of her worries in me. They taught me to be afraid to fight for myself and disapproved of anything that varied from what they perceived as normal, and the only thing they supported was me playing football... I can't help but think I had lived too much of my life trying to please my family that in the fear and worries I had put up such a wall, I never even learned who I was at all... So with a wall that is cracking, and being able to finally say stop projecting your worries on me and into me... I now believe I am open to getting help. All I have become is a self-limiting jealous neurotic mess... And I have allowed that to continue. I know at some point I have to take responsibility for what I have become, and I do... AND I WANNA Change it... I know people in worse situations who have turned out far better, and some far worse... But, like I had mentioned yesterday, I feel something in me changing... I don't know really what... or why. I have a theory or two... But it feels weird inside. And also kind of empowering. It makes me think of The Shield by Sick Of It All.

Lowered my shield, lowered - defenses
happier now feeling - all senses
heighten my soul and my - awareness
isn't it great being - defenseless
a long time ago i was - protected
the choice was mine and I - selected
the joy and the pain were - connected
lowered my shield, now I'm not protected

I never used to let it down
never used to let it down
i never used to let it down
never used to let it
there's something I've got to see
i never used to let it down
never used to let it down
i never used to let it down
never used to let it
I've got to see what's really inside of me

Now i understand that emotion
now i understand why there's commotion
all this time without - a notion
all this time without - devotion
why waste time being - suspicious
come taste life it's - delicious
expose yourself to the - malicious
expose yourself, they're - so vicious

All these years / will this shield disappear
and will i stand / a stronger man / no shield in hand
I'll have to overcome the pain the best that i can

Well that all said... I think I will start the day.... The Day of Nothingness!!!! Come on Lotto!!!

Day 3 of vacation is slightly underway

2008-11-06T05:41:00.004-06:00

I went to sleep way to early last night... Actually I went to bed at the time I was to have started work, can I I get a sigh of vacation.... I have made mention, but I think finally I am getting tired of 3rd shift. It was my preferred shift in the 90's and didn't mind so much over the past couple of years... But now, I don't know... You ever have that feeling something is changing inside you but you can't quite put your finger on??? God, I hope I am Not pregnant... That is just silly, we all know a guy has to have sex before he can get pregnant...

So, as I listen to the blog music on the page as I type... I am trying to figure out what is the plan for today. Looking at the Weather Underground site, it is to rain today and also gone are the rad days of 70 degrees... Snow is in the future too... FUCK! I do hate snow... But I think the first thing to be done is nap... Getting up at 4:30 am is way to strange. Then I may pop out to ICC, aka Harvard on the Hill NorPeo branch and see about applying and looking at the old catalog etc... (not promising anything... Do want to see if there are computer courses of interest. Due to work and that instability, online is about all I can commit to at this point). Ok, to one specific reader, I promise to go out there and apply today no matter what... Then if/when the rain subsides, I think I am gonna take a few Autumnal shots of Peoria from the Heights area. After that, I don't know... I have a couple netflix DVDs to watch.

Speaking of Netflix, to segway from movies to books and my very poor reading discipline... I did just watch The Acid House. Its based on the short stories of Irvine Welsh (author of Trainspotting, another great movie and even better book), I am very inclined to go buy his newest collection of short stories, "If you Liked School, You'll love Work". I won't yet, as I have a backlog of books I have to read. I am still slowly reading thru "Into The Wild". and then I should read the 2 books lent to me by Stefanie, I am sure she will want those back in the future. Or I could hold them extended hostage, and then if I ever find out where I am gonna be, make her have to come get them so we can hang out... Procrastination never sounded so good... hmmm ponder ponder ponder.

Yesterday, played chit chat catch up with Jude (he is so cute with his bunny ears reading to his daughter). Waiting to see if he and Casey really do go through with their plans. The thought of 11/17 AND Wolves Shame existing simultaneously seem almost Utopian. 11/17 Hardcore circuit, Wolves Shame the Coffeehouse grind... Evenings of tea and Cat Stevens in inscented dwellings, discussions of current events, future intentions, and how strange the path we had taken from the 9o's til today. I made comment that people here, with the exception of Ted, only know me as a sober and introspective, seemingly almost Stoic human... Man, that is the furthest from "then"... The Glory Days of College Street Victorian apartments and unlimted drinking tab at the Stag... Packed punk shows and Methamphetimine... Hours spent lost in the mirror accompanied by booze and the forever lit cigarettes and smoke that would attempt to break contemplations as it invaded your already dry eyes in that thousand yard stare with self. $20 blowjob up and down main street during Hot August Nights... Over hearing the failed dreams of the regulars from the hotel across the street (our look into the potential future through the Bushmills filled crystal ball images in 3D) and their ongoing daily contempt for packing the bar with punk bands and punk rockers every Saturday night, passing out drunk in Mexican Cantinas... Sunday afternoons of Motley Crue, stale beer and cigarette aromatherapy and the greasy body odor literally dripping off each of us... We, Jude and I, in a blood bath of brotherhood (scar on hand still proudly visible), and apologetically laughing over the broken nose... How many times??? Seeing a face come apart under Staples fist in the alley way... Fuck that was intense, but he had it coming... Even though it was a stolen victory. And getting arrested... just for uttering the word Pig before police officers, and the kiss through the cop car window just as being hauled away to jail for the night... Ah, the beginning of the end...

Whoa!!!!!! Where the fuck did I go with this???

Depending on how you look at it, good or bad, no I am not that person anymore... But did exist, at one time... That was college to succeed at failure.. And we all got high marks (pun intended)... Surprisingly with less casualties than in most debaucherous tales.

Ok on with day 3 of vacation... And with intended productivity... I decalare first, Nap Time... at 6:45 am... I fucking love vacations!

Day 2 of vacation

2008-11-05T14:43:00.005-06:00

Today I awoke from a bizarre dream... People falling from heights and splatting on the ground... Some still alive and in obvious amounts of pain. But it is still off to a good day. Spent the evening watching news with friends... and was under constant attack by the most adorable person on the planet. Is it weird to think a child that is not yours to actually be the most raddest child in the entire universe? I have always been child avoidant, but this child mocks my laugh... How can you not love that HA! Braaaaaaaaains! Also had a night of good chatter with my friend... Relieved chatter as well... That with the voting news, made last night a very good night... (this having this many good nights and weekends is VERY strange but I am not knocking them at all... Just humble and grateful for them)...

Now, Prop 8... How is that even an issue any more... I am bothered to be a Californian (yes I was born in California). So the people of a state voted that people have matching genitalia are not allowed to love one another and commit thru ceremony... I am not big on marriage in the first place, but it is a ceremony of love is it not... or am I mistaken...

On other news, my brother may become my new room mate. We have a history of NOT getting along so we will see how this plays out. It will be bothersome if I have guests over and during band practice... But I do need the money from his rent and he needs a place to go... So we will see... I know someone who may have me hanging out at their house even more than I do now... And I apologize in advance...

So on with day 2 of vacation. Not making it out to Portland this weekend as planned... But will see if Peoria can be just as fun... I did not just say that...

Super Tuesday... It is now!

2008-11-04T08:13:00.003-06:00

Well today, I start a vacation... Going no where, doing nothing... Work was work, though better than the night before. Sleepless almost all weekend (very good), sleepless at work... (bad). Still think fondly of this past weekend. I know for one it was chaos, but for them, I will be on point any time.

Vacation Today thru next Tuesday night. No real plans. Am hoping to hang with a friend and watch news and a movie... With the current situation, we will see... To much stress in that one's life I say... other than that, its just vacation... Being away from the job (which is on shaky foundations on many fronts)... A lot of layoffs happening and possibility I may get moved to 1st shift (a slight one, but one none the less... Which I wouldn't mind)... So now am having to postpone school plans as I don't know which end is up as far as the job goes... So I will just stay the uneducated bastard you all know and love. (a little secret, making life plans in Peoria don't always pan out).

So I did vote... A lot of throw away voting. Nothing of substance like going on back at home... Prop 8, Prop 2, Prop 5... And though I did vote for Obama, in Illinois, that is a given... Illinois is a Democrat State... But I did vote. Then I was gonna grab me a beer... I could not find Mickey's 40's ANYWHERE!!! WTF!!!!! So apparently I am not suppose to have a beer, so says The Universe...

Going out Strange

2008-10-25T11:03:00.002-05:00

Its been a minute since the last post. I have nothing really other than old room mate moved out, potential new room mate looking at the place this afternoon. Stefanie is out of the hospital and as brutal as the break was, is doing surprisingly well. Reason 1,542,278 why this person fucking amazes me. You would think I would get use to it and all, but I still think she shits gold... I would almost bet money on it.

On the new room mate front, she could possibly be another amazement of Peoria. There lays small pockets of cultured people here, and these pockets are very spread out... So when another individual surfaces, it surprises the shit out of me. I wonder if there is actually an underground of coolness here that I catch quick glimpses of... Or if they are just rare creatures here indeed.. And why are they still here, what keeps them here??? Maybe they will enlighten me as to why they stay... The ONLY reason Peoria has been a comfortable stay is 80% Stefanie, 15% Chris, Ted, Bloody, and 5% everyone else. Due mostly to the fact, on the later 5%, is because I have not reached out to them or contacted them as I should. I really have stayed to myself this time in Peoria over the past 3 years... But have only been social due to, well Stefanie.

Band practice tonight. Must watch Eaten Alive and do the Retro-Review for DrunkenZombie.com, and well get everything ready for next week at work (which will include the job complaint... But I am not going into bitching about the job... Not to censor myself... But because I don't wanna bitch about it. I can assure you I will be looking for another job HARDCORE none the less).

Wednesday, placement for the school math and such... Which reminds me... I gotta get that math refresher program so I can "brush up"... Math is fer queers!

Well I went to work... But lasted an hour and a half

2008-10-14T01:12:00.003-05:00

Ah yes, the flu season has hit the Midwest. Only thing worse than being in the Midwest is being SICK in the Midwest. I can't say I didn't mind coming home. I have to admit, after 3+ years of working 3rd shift, I have gotten burned out on it. 3rd shift in warehousing pretty much means saying good bye to anything resembling a social life. I probably wouldn't mind it here in Peoria if I had a well enough paying job (like I do right now, that I can NOT complain about) and was able to be more social with friends, which they all work normal hours (or have a normal day schedule). And here nothing opens up until 10 am anyway, so I can't just like pop into the book store when I get off work.

----unfinished blog, and will remain so----

Sick days are indeed sometimes necessary

2008-10-12T23:13:00.003-05:00

SO after 6 months (and some change) I felt it necessary to call in. I slept all day, and the only highlight was a dream about a friend sending me a video of her laughing (hey, I seldom remember my dreams, so if I am to remember one, why not it be a good fun REALISTIC dream)... When I woke up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck... Now it just feels like I have been hit by a Yugo (remember those cars kiddies... disposable and yet completely worthless).

So now after having a pizza loaded with jalapenos for dinner. Jalapenos I think cure a cold/flu... Before I thought a fifth of Bushmills Irish whiskey did... But its been almost 6 months since I had any alcohol (though Saturday I almost gave in)... I felt jalapenos would be more conducive to healing rather than getting shitfaced. Man, getting old is L-A-M-E!

Well for a daily blog this was completely pointless... But at least I wrote. You wanna know what's worse... You read all this horse shit! HA! Take That!!!!

Colds suck balls and the weaknesses of being human as well as The wisdom of $hawna

2008-10-12T07:38:00.007-05:00

Nice wicked cold I picked up... Helps the thrashing of the throat whilst "singing"... Well, fortunately for the moving forward of events... Bad for the Halloween Party... That has been canceled. But I have to say, under this particular situation, I am glad to cancel it. I do have to sell this house and being that all that is going in to try an fix all the rain damage... and try to fix all the aesthetic shit, having a party after all is said and done could be counter productive.

Now on with the bad news, I still won't get what I was asking, means I will indeed lose my ass on this house. But gives me all the more reason to sell the mother fucker. I have been playing the "would of/could of/should of" game since last night, but I need to get past that petty bullshit. If I am to get to Portland, dwelling on past bad decisions (like coming to Peoria and buying the bloody house in the first fuckin place)... I am gonna have to rise above and fully dedicate myself to getting this house ready to go.

I will also have to find an apartment. Looks like the situation where I was gonna move in to Ted's girlfriend's apartment when she moves here fell apart... so now I need to find a cheap apartment.
I would like one where all my bills could be paid with one check and that I could pretty much set the second check aside to save for the move. I figure I will get about $3000 from the sell of the house (loss of $... well never mind that... I shan't dwell... wash, rinse, repeat). I will need to save up an additional $5000 at least. I will also need to pay off some old debts, to try and get my credit rating back up to par, or finding an apartment in Portland will be impossible. So I also have to commit to a belt tightening grind to push myself to pull this off. I think I will just have to commit to working more once I get an apartment. The way things have been lately financially/economically/socially, I don't think plugging into work will be a bad idea. But again something about working 6 days a week is kind of a burn out... But then I do have to think, do I wanna move bad enough... And that answer is yes... And I need to commit to that.

On a social note... With the Halloween party canceled, I was gonna put the kibosh on the 11/17 project, but Chris (the guitarist) says let's keep pushing forward and do a show at a later date. That made me feel better, I wanna try and do a show and blow off steam like in ye oldern days, that only being in a band can do.

I also have to give much thanks to $hawna... Last night I made a silly comment on Myspace of wishing I would have at least tried to talk to this girl at a local show I attended last night. To quote the extremely wise $hawna Longstockings... "no uttering jack shit, yer moving.
:D save yer utters for chicks yer gonna bang in Portland :D".

Very wise, indeed. Her comment, needs to be a mantra... Not necessarily about "banging chicks", but will be looked at as to focus on Portland. I will say, while here, having someone to just bang would be a nice way to pass the time... I mean I am human... But just NO Relationship... Just sex. I am sure advertising I am just looking to ball will have all the girls running to sign up for that opportunity HA!... Fuck, I am the biggest dreamer I know. Thank you again $hawna, you do help in keeping things in perspective.

By the way, Disorder33... Who were pretty fun I must say... unique, yet old school sound. Go see them. (the singer/guitarist is also now the bass player for Bloody Mess and the new Disease

So I guess, I will count my blessings...

I will get to hang out with Ted to work on the house to get it ready for him to buy
Thanks to friend and guitarist Chis (plays guitar for the band Hinter), There will be an 11/17 show in Peoria sometime in the near future
Getting to hang out with my friend Bloody and hang with Bob and Phil of The Cracks and Tyler and Brian of Nard Voris
And I am thankful to the butt of the girl from the show last night...

Carpet tear out day & Thoughts as Random

2008-10-11T09:52:00.010-05:00

Well the Saturday is hear, and happily I got some sleep (not as much as needed but it will suffice for now... Oh there will be nap time). Today's agenda consists primarily of ripping out the old carpet in he basement. Most of the stuff is off the floor but the big furniture we will have to move and work around. I am strong but I ain't killing myself to move this shit alone... And I definitely don't want to break the shit by moving it incorrectly. I am such and safe and literal douche! (I swear I have the spontaneity of cement).

That being finished when ever, then nap time... Then band practice. 3 more practices until the Halloween party. I think it will be just us and the other band and their girl friends in attendance. I have gotten zero response from friends wanting to come, only the "I can't make its". Oh well... I will probably finish my 11/17 set then wind up brooding for a few hours.

After that, it will be movie night... I should have my netflix movie today, "In Bruges". Normally I go to Chris' and Stefanie's to do movie night... But I think I will opt to stay home. I think I will watch "Into the Wild" again... I think I need too. I have said in the past, this story speaks to me as no other story has. I find it a source of inspiration. Even the way it ended. As I had previously mentioned, about my spontaneity, I don't have any desire to wander aimlessly with and end goal... Though sometimes I feel I have been with the constant moving up and down California and back and forth from California to Peoria. I know I am looking for something... Possibly someone... But I do have a goal to get to Portland, Oregon... Hopefully with far less disastrous results in the life of Chris McCandless and his goal to get to Alaska... He wanted to get away from everyone, whereas I am trying to find a society I fit in with...

Which leads me to why I am going to Portland in the first place. It is based 100% on gut instinct. It was brought up to move there some years ago by friends, and when the desire for them faded, over time it only intensified. Something about Portland now feels as if it is calling me. Like I am to find what I am looking for. May it be music, culture, definitely climate, inspiration found in and around art and artists... And again... I have learned here in Peoria, that there is something missing in my life, so I am hoping that piece of the puzzle will be found there as well. ( I had spent so long isolating myself, that when I found that when I finally connected with someone, that I would now be looking for that someone to fill that void)... Rings true the song Lonely, by Rollins Band.

Welp... I am about done here... Here are 2 songs by Eddie Vedder (I swear, I loathed Pear Jam) from the Into the Wild Soundtrack, that lyrically connect with me as the story itself has done.

Politics

2008-10-11T00:52:00.004-05:00

First, McInsane has to defend Obama, Then the Hot Librarian running mate, Sarah Palin has been found out that she has indeed abused her power of office.

Now we will see the intelligence of the United States citizens. The McCain/Palin ticket have now showed they are indeed following in the steps of G.W. Bush by using slander and fear tactics and abuse of power in an elected office. Will Americans vote Obama/Biden or will they accept 4 more years of Bush allegience and Bush policies?

Now, I wish I had the email for 3 years ago where I said Obama would be president in 2012... I was off by 4 years, but will I be wrong? I am kind of glad to have called that... Now I did, in fact support Dr. Ron Paul (and at least he beat out Guiliani...), I am now in support of Obama in the fact that we can NOT have any more Bush politics in office. And as America is a two party system, I have to choose one or the other... And while I will side with and vote for Obama, I have to admit, I am voting more against McCain.

To the independents and those voting 3rd party. Now is not the time. It is the 3rd party voting that enabled Bush to be in power for all 8 years (though I will say, it is that Piece of shit Nancy Pelosi, who will not go after and impeach President G. W. Bush and Vice President Dick (head) Cheney for their abuses of power, that has aided in allowing these abuses to continue).

So I ask that you all vote... and if you are undecided, I ask you to Vote Obama... If you are bitter about the last 8 years, I can assure you, under a McCain presidency, you will see 4 years more. And if you liked what Bush did to this country... Well please forget you ever knew me.

Here we go again

2008-10-10T15:52:00.004-05:00

In this bout of sleeplessness (I can never sleep on the weekends), I am to be working on my basement... But! Too tired, have zero strength... So what do I do... Blog about it.

Again, I try and find my way to blog daily for 1) practice writing, and 2) I sometimes feel I wanna say something... But (again with the buts) I tend to just waste away the time on Myspace. I could/should blog there... But most of my bloggings seem to be mostly rants/bitching and if people wanna read that shit, I want them to make an effort to go to a page to do so... So they can't complain, "why always bitching, pissing, moaning, etc."... This way they Choooose to come hear and read my bullshit...

I have tried livejournal, and all I get is daily friend adds from Russian people... I have no idea what that is about. I don't have anything against people of Russia... But I cant't read what the fuck they are writing, so what's the point. So that leads me to this site...

I can write mostly what I am thinking/feeling... But again, I will probably censor myself as not to piss off or push away people I do care about... But I can't keep it all in... And sadly, I think I can type better here than writing in my notebooks... So I guess, I will have to be about as candid as I can be, throw caution into the wind and write... What I really think, what I feel, and what I want to say... And if that sort of thing bothers you, then sorry you shouldn't have come here.

Here you can read my take on politics, current events, social issues, my take on religion... But more so the goings on in a man's life who is attempting to make a big change in life... Moving to an unfamiliar town, trying to find a job that pays well enough but doesn't occupy his life like jobs can do (especially in warehousing/warehouse management)... But more so you will read about things on my mind bothering me. Worries, fears, insecurities... And of course social interactions that I feel pulling me one way, when I know I should be on the other side...

I need to focus on moving anyway, right? Right... But shit will still eat at me anyway, because that is the kind of fool I am... And that is why I write this shit, to show the fool I am... And to get it out out of my system... One would hope anyway.

So consider this officially blog #1