I have not written much, really have not had a lot on my mind other than waiting for 2009 to fucking end. As far as a year in one's life, its not been a bad year in the sence that I have had school to keep me going... Other than that, with minimal high points: the occasional 11/17 show, finally hanging out with my friend Lisa, watching my friend Ted get married, and on occasion hanging with a friend or two and watching my friends' daughter evolve more into a human... 2009 has really been a shit year. I look forward to 2010 merely on principal.
2010 will bring the close of 11/17, the band with many members that has been in one form or existance or another since 1991. With some sadness, I will end it... But it also closes the chapters of my life that the band covered and got me through. Nobody ever got the lyrics anyway and I gave them too much power, too much power over me. Kind of pretentious I know, but its what I know. And now what I know is that it is time to end 11/17.
In a round about way, just like last years epiphinies, this year kind of gave me a lot of sense of closure. In what I learned at the turn of the last year was that my constant moving was due to me running from and not running to anything... Now, with the inevetible loss of my house to foreclosure, lack of employment oportunities in this area, I realize I came out here to shut the Peoria chapter of my life for good. There is nothing but struggle here, and with this struggle, I have seen what character I am made of. And With all of this, a roller coaster that it was, I didn't let it get to me.... Well I didn't let it destroy me. It has, in surging waves, brought me to my knees in anger and depression, but I was alble to shake it off well enough. It has shown me how little I need to be content. I don't need big cities with fuck tons to do. Just need books, music, and movies. That is it. I am content. I have aged well in the past year.
But does bring me to another scary thought... I will be 40 in less than 3 weeks... And at 40, I am no closer to settling down any more than I was at any point in my life. and other than school, I am no closer to going in any direction but in circles. If I looked around at people my age, they all have actual careers, families of their own... Me I am broke, alone, and only have ambitions to show for my 40 years on this planet. In other words I have got shit to show what I have been doing all this time. Collecting experiences at best. Most of them in the fucking up department.
Which brings me to January 30th, the last show of 11/17... I am using that as step one, to give up drinking and then get my ass focused on gearing up to get my Bachelors in Psychology. I will more than likely start looking at going back to California. Not to continue the same old habits I carry with me everywhere I go, but to continue to focus on school and hopefully find a job there so I can start to get my shit together. Getting my shit together is now a priority in my life... Well knowing that I need to make it a priority, and everyone uses New years and they usually fail... So I am using the ending of 11/17 as that catalyst. So many plans to go to a real college fell through, but will probably just continue through shortbus college, and hopefully find an employer as well as a Masters program that recognizes University of Phoenix... To those considering University of Phoenix... DO NOT! It works for me, because I could not go to junior college and get unemployment at the same time. And like I said, at least this year off, I just didn't sit on my ass, I have almost all of my Associates knocked out. Trying to get through Algebra is the mother fucker! But I will get through it, even if by the skin of my teeth, I will get through Algebra 1 and 2.
I am starting to see that I need to embrace my age. Not the old, "I'm old" bullshit... But realize I am 40 and start getting my ass in gear. I may have 25 years left on my life battery, I need to stop wasting it. There are places I wanna be and see... and more so, I wanna spend the last of my years in a closer proximity to the ocean. I want to be that wierd dude doing Tai Chi by a large body of water at 6am, and I wanna get on with getting older. Because you know what, the more I think about it, I am kind of happy about turning 40. I can stop doing stupid shit with the excuse, "I am 40, I don't need to be doing that stupid shit". My whole life has been the midlife crisis... I wanna get past it and finally start acting my god damn age.
So yeah, 2009 has been a continued holding pattern of my life as its been thus far, more struggle and less bliss... But 2010... I finally get to get my ass moving in the right direction. Onward and upward. or at least forward. I have to!
++Incoming paint++ ... ++Necrons++
6 days ago
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3 comments:
Right on! Sounds like a plan!
It's time you realize the only road that was every there for you WAS college. It just took you 22 years to realize you are too smart to be so dumb.
You and I had deep conversations, ones that could never be made if you didn't have the intelligence.
Your mind cries for food, and the lack of that food makes your expressions seem like a shade of grey. There is NO reason you cannot go to a university, and a HUGE number of reasons you should.
Why can't you believe in yourself???
~~Jimboy Jelly~~
It sounds like you are in an awesome place, and state of mind. I know there will be low points and pits to fall into, but keep climbing up. Shoot for your highest stars, and you will land higher up than you would have otherwise.
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